From Aloha to Dixie.

So, I went from the land of Lattes to the spirit of Aloha. It's been a rough transition... and I swear I will never return to this Island once I'm done here in August.

After I'm done, here I'll finally be able to actually be with Ranger Man, not just have a phone relationship with him. And we're headed to the heart of Dixie! I already told him that I'm going to have some funny sort of accent going on- as hard as I try, I can't help picking up some Hawaii-isms, and my mom is Southern, so I pick up that accent really quickly...

So to prepare myself for this, I'm reading Gone with the Wind. It is a lovely break from all of the dry academic reading that I have to do for school, and... I'm afraid that a rather Scarlett-inspired letter made its way to Ranger Man. I'm not sure how it's going to react to that. Either way, I like it and I'm enjoying it...

A place of my own!

I signed the lease today! I am officially living in the heart of the tourist district on the seventh floor of a condo building- all of which is completely new to me, but it will be my own space.

It is literally a second bedroom of a two bedroom condo that has its own entrance and little bathroom. (Read: TINY). But, I won't have to share my tiny space with anyone that I do not know, and it will be quiet, and there is a real bed. What more can a girl ask for? Well... maybe if Ranger Man lived there too... He will for three days though- at least three of our nine days together will be there, the other six will probably be in the much larger three bedroom condo that the icky roommates have already vacated... but we will be together for nine whole days. bliss.

Hopeful again

I am hopeful again, over the weekend I got quite a few prospects for places to live. Well, like four, which is four more than I had before the weekend. And one is a teeny-tiny studio- but it would be my space, no roommates. So I suppose that we'll see what happens.

I went to church with Auntie yesterday, and we had a wonderful breakfast at the Waioli Tea House, which was fantastic! I'm not usually big on eating... I can normally take it or leave it (which gives Ranger Man no end of worries when we're not together if I'm actually eating or not, I forget sometimes...) but it was really great, and quaint and sweet. I liked it.

Plus, it's hard to be sad when Ranger Man will be here at the end of the week. And then he's going to stay for 9 whole days. Apparently we're watching a lot of movies, he's been pre-screening them to see which ones are okay for me to watch (no bad dreams). What a guy.

I also got a couple great emails from one of my Soldiers' Angels soldiers, SSG Michael. He's a nice guy too, and today is his birthday! Happy Birthday SSG Michael!!

Opening Friday

... and I will not be going to see it. But, the NYT has reviewed the Kite Runner.

I do not have the 'gumption' to watch the movie, I am still trying to get over the nightmares it gave me.

I do like how this reviewer adds in the politics about the author, but am wondering where the boys are? And how they are anticipating the release?

I am interested in the movie, I'm curious as to how they did it.... but I don't think I'm brave enough to find out for myself.

Done.

I am officially done with everything for this semester. I have to go to class in a couple hours and turn in my ethics paper and actually have class (who does that during finals week?) but other than that, I am done. I just printed that ethics paper, and I am refusing to look at it any more. Everything else is done, I'm not doing anything else for school until Winter term starts on Monday.

Still not sure where I'm going to live... the place I really liked over the weekend fell through- they decided to "go with another renter." Which of course, is code for "we just didn't like you" maybe it's for the best, if they didn't like bookish me just looking at the apartment, when I really did move in and really do nothing but read for class all day they probably really wouldn't have liked that. But I do feel like it's getting down to the wire now. No place to live. yuck.

Just. Plain. Mean.

"Well, meet me at the Super-Secret-Army-Land Courthouse on Saturday and we'll just do it- we'll get married."

That's just mean. I dropped a little hint that the 2008 BAH rates had been released, and that's the response I got. (Note: Ranger Man currently does not get BAH... he's a barracks kind of a guy right now). Said Super-Secret-Army-Land Courthouse is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean from where I am right now... that's just mean. and to top it off, according to him, it's not mean, because it would only be mean if he was "completely joking" and so, by extension, he's not completely joking, so if I hopped on a plane this weekend... Mean. He knows very well that I am stuck on this Island because I can't afford to leave it.... Mean, Mean, Mean.

So I told him that, while I'm madly in love with him and all, I just don't like him very much right now because he's being mean. He thought that was rather humorous.

Christmas.

This will be the first Christmas Ranger Man and I have together- as a together. We were 'friends' last Christmas, but I was still convinced (unlike him, thank goodness he's persistent) that 'friends' was all we were ever going to be.

So this Christmas is our first, and by a minor miracle, we will be together (really together) for it. Mr. Scrooge himself even made a point yesterday that we had to have a tree of some sorts ("what else are we going to put presents under?"), which was a little unlike him.

It's also special because my birthday is Christmas Eve, so we'll be together for my birthday too- how cool is it to wake up on your birthday to see your guy?

We don't have any Christmas traditions, simply because we've never had a Christmas. And I doubt, that being on a tropical Island, this one will be anything close to typical. But at least we'll be together. Shoot, I don't even know where I'm going to be living (I haven't heard back from the place from yesterday, I'm thinking that's a bad sign)- I may very well be moving my books onto the beach somewhere... Do you think they have wireless internet at the beach? But at least he'll be there, and I'll be there, and I won't have to go through any of this alone anymore. Or at least, for nine days.

Home Stretch

I officially have rough drafts of all my papers done- one paper is actually done and turned in. One will be done and turned in Tomorrow, and then one more Tuesday and the last on Thursday.
I may have found a place to live that is about four hundred dollars per month cheaper than where I am right now (yes, you read that right, and yes, that is a lot of money).
Less than two weeks until Ranger Man is here...

Omaha.

I feel that while I certainly have nothing constructive or helpful in this tragedy- I do understand better than most that situation.

I was working at the Tacoma Mall in Tacoma, WA in November of 2005, when the "Tacoma Mall Shooting" occurred. Right around Thanksgiving time, a guy came into the mall, the wing with Santa to take pictures with and the Build-A-Bear shop mind you, and opened fire on a Sunday morning. I am thankful that I was in a different wing, but I will never forget what it's like to first of all have people come through your store saying there is a man with guns shooting people outside, and then to have the SWAT guys come into the store and tell everyone to get out (As a caveat, I will also not forget that they told us to keep working- they'd shut the big glass doors, cause that will keep out the AK rounds, and for customers to continue shopping).

I didn't know what was going on, exactly in the interim, but I did make sure to call my parents and my (at the time) boyfriend (who didn't bother to answer... good thing we're not together anymore!) and try to let them know that if they were watching tv I was okay...

I think what I remember most is the Emergency response people setting up triage points and then the big Mobile Command busses coming through. All the while just waiting, and not knowing.

We were lucky in Tacoma, our shooter didn't kill anyone. My heart goes out to those people in Omaha, and I am so sad for them.

Nametape.

I borrowed a book from Ranger Man (sidenote, how cool is it that he just happened to have a book lying around that I needed for one of my papers?!), so he sent it to me through the mail. Inside the pages of the book he placed one of his nametapes.

I'm not sure why that is the most precious thing that anyone has ever given me, I think it has something to do with the simplicity of the gesture and the knowledge that he did it with suc love, knowing that such a simple thing had the ability to give me such comfort. And it does. It is a tangible piece of him, one that can go with me everywhere and I can touch and feel and hold when he's not around to touch and feel and hold. I think it was a wonderful thing for him to give to me.

On the bright side (and also the stressful side)- this time next week I will officially be done with my first semester of grad school! eek!

Perspective

Last night I dreamed that the house was on fire. The house the Ranger Man and I lived in (which of course doesn't exist, there is no such house), at least I thought it was on fire. When I, in my dream, alerted Ranger Man to the fact that our house was on fire, he took appropriate actions to rectify the situation, which apparently entailed notifying his chain of command. When this was accomplished, and certain members of his chain of command showed up at this mythical house that Ranger Man and I shared, it turns out that I was mistaken, the house was not, in fact, on fire.

It was hard to be bummed out this morning when I woke up and the apartment building was still standing and had not burned to the ground. We had no power, thanks to some heavy winds all night long, but there was no fire, so I gained some perspective. I also told Ranger Man that it might be a good idea to double check me if I ever try to tell him the house is on fire.

Grump and Stuff.

There is so much- I'm not sure where to begin.

Truly, I hate it here, but at the same time, I have to at the very least try to make it through to August. Which means I have to get my butt in gear and find a new place to live. But that means that I truly have to stay, so every fiber of my being is resisting having a place to live. ugh.

I can't get excited about seeing Ranger man partly because I know that he's just going to leave again, and I'm going to be alone again. I know that is a really crappy attitude, but... I am so tired of being alone.

I know this is gloomy and grumpy- but honestly... I don't know how to be any other way right now. I should be thankful that Ihave a place to live until the end of the month, and that there are people who love me. I know that I am at graduate school, and I want to be at graduate school. What I don't know is if I can do this by myself.

Dare I start Hoping Again?

Christmas. I may get to spend my first Christmas (and birthday) with Ranger Man. Supposedly, his leave form has been approved and his plane tickets purchased... Last weekend was so beautiful, it was so nice to be with him, that I am terrified to get my hopes up- the Army does like to play little jokes on people you know, or change their mind...

I love Christmas. I think it may have something to do with the fat that my birthday is the day before... so I have been ind of forced into the rold of Christmas nerd all my life, but it is a role I do so enjoy. I love the smells and the tastes of Christmas, I love how everyone is happy to see people that they might not normally be happy to see. I'm not particularly looking forward to doing all of this on the Island... but having Ranger Man here, that might help. A lot. I am just afraid to be excited about it.

On another note... yesterday he was filling out some sort of form while he was on the phone with me. And the "Marital Status" box was there... I told him that he was very single. He didn't quite understand... and then it occurred to me why it is much more important to me to get married sooner rather than later, and why he has the luxury of time.

For him, all that will change is that his paycheck will get bigger (and probably he will simultaneously have more thins to spend that paycheck on, but that's another story). But other than that, there are no tangible benefits for him... He will have health insurance whether we are married or not. He will always know where I am, married or not and will always have access to people that know where I am, married or not. He doesn't get a little card identifying him as being married. He can go to the commissary whether we are married or not. I know that all of those things shouldn't matter. I know that in the long run they don't (well... knock on wood with the health insurance thing), and truthfully, until his next deployment, it doesn't matter to me. But what happens then? What happens when I finally don't have to be on this Island anymore... my parents have kicked me out of the house- I literally have no place to go. Oh wait, they did say I could stay in the travel trailer. In the winter. In Washington. Right. I think because my life is so unstable and uncertain right now... it does mean more to me. I recognize that it is because of the fact that I am homeless, etc... and that all of those do not a reason to get married make... but it is always comforting to at least know the source of your issues.

Trying to catch my breath.

Wow. So this whole not having the internet at my house thing really blows. And I don't think that I've ever used that phrase before, but I did choose to use it now to try to emphasize the new levels of suckiness...

It's one thing to be completely isolated on this Island and not know anyone... it's quite another thing to have someone rip out your connection to the rest of the civilized world. It's almost as though the internet was some sort of a security blanket, and even though I was all by myself, I could still be connected to that part of the world that still felt 'normal' to me. I could read the news online- in whatever language I picked. I could read blogs of people who were going through things like me, and even things worse than me (i.e. deployments) and keep things in perspective. I could check my email and send emails whenever I wanted. I could blog when something was bothering me. I could even watch tv on my computer when I needed a break from the History of Genocide or whatever it was that I might need a break from. I can do none of that any more. I am completely isolated.

On the bright side I am getting a ton of knitting done, and getting quite the work out as I have to load my backpack up with books to bring them to the library where I can get wireless access. It's a good thing this happened on the heels of an amazing weekend... and that (please, please Army cooperate) it's less than a month until ten more days of bliss. I'm also not a fan of hyperboles like bliss... but seriously- good night's sleep. Not being afraid of rapists hanging out in my closet (the grown up version of monsters?)... and someone to massage my poor carpal tunnel hands whenever I want- I don't know that it gets too much more blissful than that!

Checking in...

Okay, so my internet connection will be sporadic at best for the next little bit... My illustrious roommates (whom I now OFFICIALLY do not like. not one bit.) decided last week, (during the last two weeks of my first semester of graduate school) to cancel our internet service. And not tell me. I got home last tuesday night... no router, no cable... just a note saying that the cable people would be by in a couple weeks to pick up the cable box. The boys of course are not home, and will not be home for another week or so- they did this all completely behind my back without talking to me at all. I am furious.

On a brighter note- I had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving weekend with Ranger Man. The bad dreams stopped the moment I got there... I finally got some sleep. And they started again as soon as I got back- which Ranger Man promptly points to as proof positive that we need to be sleeping together more often. I also got a nasty head cold... but other than that it was a wonderful weekend. We finally got to talk about "stuff" that he can't talk about over the phone, and he feels better and I feel better, and we're praying that the fates will align again over Christmas and we'll get to see each other again. It was so nice to be around him again...

1 more day.

I just have one more full day and one more full night before I can get into a car with someone I don't know to go to an airport I've only been in once as I was exiting a plane to go to a city I've never been to where I can wait for an hour or two after my plane arrives at midnight local time for Ranger Man to finish all his work for the weekend and drive to the airport when I'll finally get to see him. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I'm sure to a lot of people none of that is a big deal- but I'm not the best with new things/places/unpredictibility... so it's kind of a big thing for me, and I am so excited.

This weekend is great, there's no pressure, no strings, no expectations. It's not like we have to adjust perfectly to being around each other because I'm getting back on a plane on Sunday.We don't have to set up a routine or anything like that. All we have to do is be together and relax. The only reintegration issues are going to be us, not having seen each other in 80 days, and before that just for a weekend after his last deployment. I'm not saying that's going to be easy- nor is Christmas time when he has 10 days off, and we've never spent 10 consecutive days together before... but I'm certainly excited to try it and see what it's like!

Today means...

77 and 2.

The REAL countdown

We are officially at 74 and 5.
Days.
74 since I've seen Ranger Man and 5 until I get to see him again.

(wow that feels weird typing, like it's a OPSEC violation or something. Maybe I should check to make sure this isn't a classified movement).

What I learned today in Graduate School

Soldiers make better lovers.


No. Seriously. It was in my readings for today. Good Soldiers, specifically, not bad ones...
J. Glenn Gray's Warriors (I think that's the title) is a good book if you can handle some existentialism in your war reading. And he makes the point that any Army significant other will attest to...
I love it!

Borrowing from BW

The Life and Times of a Butterfly Wife: More on people who get it
Butterfly Wife posted this yesterday about being around "people who get it," and I really liked it. I think this is one of the major difficulties being a girlfriend, or probably being a spouse who doesn't stay near base during a deployment. When Ranger Man is deployed and I meet new people- I purposefully don't tell them I have a boyfriend unless they point-blank ask (I can't lie about it, right?). And then, I try to give the least amount of information possible. "Yes I have a boyfriend." "No, he's not here right now." "He's away for a little while." "Darn it all, he's in the Army, he's deployed." Because when that finally comes out- that's when you get the look.

There's one of two looks. The first I think I've already talked about- it's the "You must be a slutty barracks whore, you can't be too lonely" look, and the second is the pity look. I think the pity look is worse... It's the "I have no idea what you're going through and it must be terrible. Why on Earth would you choose to put yourself through that?" look. I really hate the look.
I can't say that too many people have tried to tell me that they know what I'm going through- although occassionally a girlfriend will liken it to some disagreement they are having with their live-in significant other, and THAT makes me want to scream... but for the most part, I get the pity look or the slut look... so I try not to tell anyone.

Which brings me to the one good thing about this Island. Not only are my classes great- but most everyone in my classes actually DO understand. Half of my classes are active duty servicemen and women. There's one wife and one pseudo-girlfriend (who sort of gets it). I still don't volunteer that I'm a Ranger girlfriend... but the few people that I have told have been really great. I don't live on base, I can't go to the commissary or the PX and feel like I'm not the only one in the world going through Army Life, but I get a little bit of understanding in class. That's nice. So, things could be worse I guess. Plus, Ranger Man is still non-deployable for four more months. Thank goodness for that.

Ranger Man called me this morning (which he doesn't usually get to do, so it was a great surprise), and I said guess what- a week from now, you won't have to call me to talk to me! Yay! One more week...

What to Do?

Knowing that the love of my life has a dangerous job, where people periodically get some pretty good chances to shoot at him and his buddies... is it irresponsible of me to take the next year and stay away from him? I've always tried hard not to make plans as though something 'bad' were going to happen, but is that realistic, or is that just stupid? I mean, on the one hand- if I move to Georgia this summer and nothing happens to him and I'm now a bad risk for Ph.D programs so I can't get in anywhere... then will that be a bad decision? On the other hand, if he deploys this spring and doesn't come back... and I've only seen him for two weeks of the last six months because I'm pursuing my own selfish dreams, will that be a bad decision?
I know what the statistics look like if I quit this program now, even with the intention of 'going back to school' later- I know they look bad. I also know that I am pretty good at not fitting stereotypical, statistical type molds.
I know that Ranger Man's old job in the Army kept him pretty safe. He has told me that he "doesn't really know" what he'll be doing after he's done at Super-Secret School... I know that Rangers usually come home from deployments. But I also know that they don't always. I know that I hate being away from him, but I also know that I really want to finish my degree.
I've always kind of been against being that girl who rearranges her life for a guy. But I don't like being away from him.
So I don't know what to do. I don't have a place to live, either here after the end of December or, as I just found out, at home with my parents. How screwed up is that? They keep my cat, but if I want to come home, I have to sleep outside, in the travel trailer. In the winter. Not only that- but they first told me "sure, come on home..." didn't tell me until two days later that coming home and having a place to sleep at home were apparently two different things. wow. thanks guys. then I find out from one of my professors that dropping out of this program wil hurt my chances of getting into others. For two days, I was finally feeling better, because I thought I didn't have to stay here... and now I'm just confused. and hurt. and more confused.
I do not know what to do. Ranger Man says we'll figure it out over Thanksgiving. Only eight more days before I see him...

PTSD by proxy?

I had a thought in class the other night...

It's entirely possible that I'm either a) completely off base or b) stating something that's already been studied and documented and everyone else knows but me. Either way, I'm still sharing my though.

During the Cold War- the era of the eminent threat of nuclear annhilation by atomic bomb via Mutually Assured Destruction, children (and probably adults) who lived in fear of "the bomb" day in and day out developed some of the symptoms of PTSD. Notably, nightmares. The fear was so great and so internalized that even though it wasn't something they had actually experienced, the fear of experiencing it gave them bad dreams.

So- can kids growing up in the post-Cold War era, in a home environment where there is no unnatural violence, be so sensitive to the thought of violence or strife that they internalize it to the same degree and experience the same PTSD symptoms? I understand that it isn't really PTSD, but that's the kind of dreams they say I have. Is it the same as "the bomb" dreams of the Cold War?

The Count (up)?

Okay, I decided that a different name was in order. I am not sure if I'm about to get really sick or if I just have allergies (wouldn't it figure that I'm allergic to the Island?), so I took a couple sleeping days...

So now- add to the list of things to do,

FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE. As if I didn't have enough going on. It will be nice not to have to live with messy gross boys, but I really don't have time - or enough spare sanity- to deal with this right now. ugh.

Mission for today- finish rough draft of historiography paper.

The Countdown - day one

well, I suppose if I'm counting starting at one, that would make it a count UP rather than a count down, right?

Anyways, Book Review Done, Historiography paper started.

Also, finished knitting on the knitalong danica scarf, although I'm still weaving in the ends and debating if I want to block it or not. Hopefully one of these times I am procrastinating from school work I'll get some pictures of it posted!

Had a funny thought today that made me grin... I'm going to be a Ranger Wife... That has such a nicer ring than Ranger Girlfriend... well, once he proposes but honestly, he's been talking about it way way more than I have lately... what a nice guy. I've found some interesting graduate programs in the Columbus, GA area... it's got to be better than the Island, right?

End of Semester Countdown

Okay, so I'm nearing the end of the semester, and I have just a few large projects left...

(1) Historiography literature review paper, 10-12 pages ("The Historiography of the milblog")
(1) Diplomacy literature review paper 10-12 pages (I think on public diplomacy in the middle east)
(1) Ethics paper, 20 pages (no idea, apparently my topic is still way too broad..)
(1) Genocide paper, 20(?) pages (theories of bystander noninvolvement in Rwanda)
(1) reading summary for diplomacy
(1) advocacy assignment for genocide
(1) book review - due today, it's almost done
of course the daily readings for class...

and most importantly, one very important trip to Super Secret Army Land!

I promise, compared to everything else, this isn't really that much... at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Also, I registered for classes for winter term and spring semester, and I found out where Ranger Man's next duty station will be, now I'm looking for doctorate programs nearby. What fun.

Finally!

Tonight I got to give candy to trick-or-treaters. There was a grand total of 8 of them. This was a wonderful night One of the Roommates is going downtown tonight dressed as a construction worker- hard hat and tool belt and suspenders and all. I don't think I'll go, because I don't want anything to ruin the fun I had with my eight trick-or-treaters. I won today, Island.... I won.

For Me?!

I have an amazing boyfriend. That's all there is to it.

He sent ME a care package last week. ME! Contents:

(4) boxes Kraft Mac & Cheese (my comfort food)
(3) microwaveable brownie-dealies (oh. my. gosh. so good and so quick)
(1) each, tooth paste and tooth brush (because he knows that all of the care packages that I send include toothpaste because I'm a fiend about brushing)
(2) refills for my bath and body works scent diffuser, Cherry Blossom scented because there is no bath and body works on the Island and he doesn't want my room to smell like my boy housemates' rooms.
(1) most sweetest letter ever. (yes, I know that is terrible grammar. I don't care. See? Punctuation in parentheses...)

How incredibly wonderful, and it was such great timing- it arrived on Friday and I had just gotten out of a class that made me question my entire graduate school existence as I had spent three hours being completely lost in a discussion about the battle tactics of Alexander the Great that everyone else was seeming to follow. He is so sweet, so very very good to me.

Also- good news- he says now that they are not going to kick him out until after Thanksgiving... Whoo Hoo! Super Secret Army Land, here I come! (No- not really, we probably won't even go on base if any of you censor people are reading this, I promise!)

So Proud of Myself...

That I called Ranger Man as soon as I got home tonight (after midnight his time- I knew he was in bed) to let him know how excited I was that I made nice with "a wife." Not so much excited that she was nice to me, because she seemed like she was a decent human being... but I was proud that I wasn't scared off by the fact that she is a wife, and I actually told her about Ranger Man. I don't think that it is actually that wives are mean- it's just that I'm scared of them... they could be mean. There are enough mean ones out there... Plus, he's been home long enough (two months yesterday), that I think I'm finally calming down and coming out of protective introverted deployment mode. So this woman, who I've been literally scared of all semester, her husband (who just got back from deployment about a week ago) sat in on a class tonight, and they gave me a ride home, and it was nice. First of all it was nice to talk to Army people and not Marines. Not that it's a huge difference, but we could talk about installation names and be on the same page- it was nice. Secondly, their situation is similar enough to ours that it was kind of comforting to think that I may not be as crazy as I thought- they're married, but him being home is the first time that they are living together, because they didn't get to see each other much before either. Hmm.
Anyways- I was proud of myself. Just wanted to share.

An Idea!

Okay, so I have an idea to help Ranger Man. It will require the cooperation of his best friend (female) who doesn't like me (and, well... the feeling might be mutual and completely valid on both sides I might add), and his family (I've met his parents once), but I think it will be worth it. In SA, Angels put together postcard books sometimes for their soldiers, with postcards from all over the country. So I'm kind of going to go with that idea, and get postcards from his friends and family, of places he would enjoy- and on the back, a brief word of encouragement, etc... and a joke, to make him laugh.
Cutesy for Big Bad Ranger Man? yes... but I don't know what else to do.

Phones, again!

Why is it that when phone lines die- it's always at the worst possible time? No matter where they originate from, when they die, they die in a flamboyant and fantastic sort of manner...

(dis) Couragement

How do you convince someone to believe in them self?

When Ranger Man went to Ranger School he was convinced that he could do all three phases in one try and he knew it was going to suck and it was going to be hard, but he was convinced that he would do it. He believed in himself, and it was easy to facilitate that belief and confidence and help him.

With this school though, he is out of his element. Without going into too much detail, I'll just say that he is discouraged. It's much harder to convince him that he's awesome and amazing and will do a fantastic job when he absolutely doesn't believe it himself. Plus it's hard over the phone or through letters. I can tell him that he's wonderful, but there's no one to show him that he's wonderful, and there is a big difference. So I talk to him and I write to him and we make plans for when we get to see each other again. On the one hand- I've told him that whether or not he completes this course doesn't make any bit of difference to me, because he'll still be him. But on the other hand, I know that it would be horrible for him to not pass.

So I'm not sure what else to do, other than more of the same. What I want to do is bake him a cake, but I'm not sure how that would mail... I think baked goods make everything all better.

On the bright side, only 30 more days until Thanksgiving... (not that I'm counting, or anything)

Lt Murphy

I have had my parents buy me current copies of the NY Times to send to me both today and yesterday to see if maybe- just maybe they didn't drop the ball so badly on this one? (And partly because this is a great case study for my ethics class) Nothing on their web site, you'd think they'd have to print something, right? Anyone know? If only people on this Island read the Times- I haven't seen a current edition in about two weeks!

NY Times- The Dreamscape of Nightmares

The NY Times has an interesting article about dreams... leaving me with much food for thought.

"Few of us suffer from nightmares crippling and persistent enough to demand treatment." Yeah, well- some of us have, and trust me it's not fun. Especially when they still can't figure out why, and so instead your shrink tells you to A) stay away from any kind of news (what, am I supposed to live under a rock?) and B) fundamentally change who I am as a person and my goals in life, because I shouldn't read books about war and violence. Seriously? On the bright side, he wrote me a prescription for some pills that do help me sleep- for the first time in my life I am getting a full night's sleep at night, and I am not afraid to go to sleep.

The formal definition of nightmares- bad dreams that wake you up. Cool. Now if there was only something they could do about it... But the fact that most of our dreams are bad? That's awesome! Not because I think everyone should have bad dreams, but it means that I am not so incredibly psychotic after all in the fact that I have never had a good dream. Everyone else is just in denial- that's perfect. Granted, once or twice a month would generally be a drastic reduction for me, but still I do feel a teensy bit validated.

Also- I can remember being 5 or 6 (at the oldest, it may have been younger) and being awoken by the same nightmare night after night after night. Mine actually seemed to decrease when I was a teen, which is consistent with the fact that I also don't dream if I'm going through something huge emotionally. Being a teenager wasn't exactly fun for me. However, now that I'm in my twenties, apparently my body thinks I can handle it again. Thank you body.

I thought the bit about being paralyzed during REM sleep was interesting. One of my exes- the stupid firefighter- also had crazy dreams like me (that's why we thought we were perfect for each other, we were the same kind of crazy), but he also had a tendency to do ... things in his sleep. Apparently he had in the past hit one of his ex-girlfriends, and I can tell you from experience that he did other things in his sleep too, things that you really need to be awake to enjoy. And he would have no recollection of any of it in the morning. That is not good for a girl's self-esteem. Maybe he just didn't get into REM sleep enough...

"Fear extinction memories..." interesting. I will buy this if they will allow this caveat: maybe I manufacture my own memories. Watching scary movies, or things of that nature- if those can give me the kind of memories that I need to work out in dreams than this may work.

I also like their point about a bad dream (where you stay asleep) being good and productive, while a nightmare is not because your mind doesn't get any resolution. I pretty much always wake up, but I know that there are some days that I can feel I'm going to have dreams, and definitely after a doozy I feel ill for a whole day afterwards. Part terror at the prospect of going back to sleep, part exhaustion and partly due to the fact that I usually spend the next day reliving the dream also.

All in all, it was a very interesting article to someone like me.

Facebook etiquette?

I have a myspace account- to keep in touch with my soldiers... although I did not do that willingly, I did it.

For school, there is a program facebook page- so I think I got myself a facebook thingy too. I have no idea how to use it or anything, but I have one.

So I get an email today, from someone wanting to be my 'friend' or whatever it is on facebook... the guy that blew me off the night of my high school freshman homecoming dance (literally- the guy was only there for the first 45 minutes, then he disappeared. I found out the next week that he went bowling)

Is there some sort of etiquette on facebook or myspace or whatever? I mean, it's not that I have any hard feelings toward they guy- there were some exigent circumstances that were subsequently illuminated that I understand. However, still- this was merely the first guy i a long - LONG serious of getting stood up, getting blown off, and my personal favorite when a guy showed up for what I thought was a date with me, and brought his girlfriend. I know that he didn't really have any sort of influence on the number of guys that did subsequent dirtbag type things to me, and actually meant them to be dirtbag things in some instances... but still, in my mind he will always be the first. And so you can imagine that he's actually not one of my most favorite people to think about.

It was just weird.

Not to mention that scrolling through his friends- most of them were my so-called friends in high school... whew, what a trip down memory lane! What a weird day...

Thank Goodness!

It seems that the democrats on Capitol Hill have finally realized that maybe now might not be the best time to alienate Turkey.
Yes- The Atrocities that occurred should rightfully be classified as genocide, according to historians, however... now is not the time to lose Turkey as an ally.

The Kite Runner continues...

And the saga continues... Fox presents the perspective of Khaled Hosseini, the author of the book.
The drama isn't thickening, it's just cementing itself as fascinating (obviously I'm quite interested in this- possibly to the point of obsession)- but this is a brand new phenomenon. I mean, when in the past would this have occurred, first of all- and second of all, when would anybody have cared? I think it's incredibly interesting.
Finally, I have to say that just about all the reports I've read about this have been incredibly non-biased. No one seems to be blaming the boys' families, or the studio... and this fact in and of itself is quite amazing.

Eek!

So... I told Ranger Man about my blog (I figured that since he was kind of a focal point, and this is public domain and all, he probably had a right to know)... and then I get a message today saying that he had a list of three things he wanted to talk to me about- one of which being my blog (although he stumbled with the wording), and then when I finally got a chance to call him back after class it was late his time because of the time difference. So he was trying to whisper to not wake his roommate, and if you've ever tried to listen to someone trying to talk to you in a whisper via cell phone- you can relate to what a horribly frustrating experience it is, so I told him that I would talk to him tomorrow, when he could actually use a normal speaking voice on the phone.
And now I am waiting. Wow - that was quite an impressive stream of consciousness. I'm just a teensy bit concerned about what he's going to say. Mostly because I have no idea what it's going to be... Hence the hardly-coherent train(wreck?) of thought.

UPDATE: Here's the scoop- apparently he read the posts about him, and then decided that it was just a little too weird, so he said that he wasn't going to read it anymore unless I was there with him... He did say that he was laughing about the Pillow post though. what a goofball.

How Horrible.

I realized today that I am not a good Army Girlfriend. Not because I don't support him- because I write a letter to him every night and he's not even deployed... Not because I moved to Hawaii while he was deployed (well, not today anyways)...

Because I am terrified of and horrible at PowerPoint.

If you have any sort of connection at all to the Army, should it just kind of come by osmosis or something that Powerpoint is workable? I made a presentation for school. Five Slides. A grand total of about 32 words, and it took me three hours of cajoling and cursing. well, mild cursing... maybe just exclamations- but still! And then- I still wasn't convinced it was going to work, so I emailed a copy of it to the rest of my group, put it on one of those memory drive thingys (what are they called?) and emailed it to myself. If I had a blank CD, I would put it on one of those too... good grief, that should not be the hardest part of the class!

I feel so inept.

Marines to A-Stan, Soldiers to Iraq?

Check out this article from the NY Times.

Move all Marines to A-Stan and Army to Iraq? That is really interesting. Send the marines to the place where they're assured funding, relegate the Army to the unpopular - but bigger - war... hm. It sounds like it's a real, honest to goodness serious proposal? I have no sources at the Pentagon to confirm or deny, but I sure as heck wish I did right now.

The implications would be pretty incredible. I mean, think about how many more KIAs are in Iraq than A-Stan... Could it go so far as to backslide to Vietnam era stereotypes? Is it possible that the only thing keeping the "support the troops" mantra going for the left is Afghanistan? And if so, if you could distinguish between the troops doing what is perceived as good things- in A-Stan from the "bad war" soldiers in Iraq, would admitting you were a soldier lead to people calling you a baby killer or spitting on you?

Maybe it's taking things to the extreme, but maybe not. Truly, maybe not. Also, is there enough infantry in the Army trained in counter insurgency/urban warfare to do the same work as the Marines are doing? I'm not trying to pass judgment on one branch or the other, but the Marines have been a small war machine since their inception, while the Army is arguably still trying to make that transition.

So, I guess for those reasons, I have a hard time believing that this is a real honest to goodness being considered option at the Pentagon. but, what do I know?

Good News!

While I am really, really trying not to get my hopes up too much, it isn't working... Hopefully I will be able to see Ranger Man over Thanksgiving AND Christmas. It almost seems too good to be true. He's planning on flying me out to see him over Thanksgiving, and I have no idea where I'm going to be for Christmas, but he's planning on being wherever that is too. I can't wait!
Also- luck of lucks, I won't be with him for his actual birthday, but it'll be close. What fun!

I am not sane.

I was not allowed to watch The Wizard of Oz until I was in High School, and only then because I had to watch if for a class. Why? Because my mother is a very smart woman and she knows that I have bad dreams and that flying monkeys and green witches may not have been the best thing to assault my brain with.
So why, then, knowing that, have I consciously chosen to focus a good deal of my studies on film? Why did I just submit a proposal to a professor to write a research paper on the implications of the portrayal of genocide in motion pictures? There's a reason that I haven't seen any of the movies that I referenced in my proposal... Hotel Rwanda, Schindler's List... maybe I should just give up on sleeping for the rest of the semester. I'm completely crazy...
On the sweeter side, Ranger Man said "just bring them here for Thanksgiving, and we'll watch them together..." too bad I can't wait that long.

UPDATE:
looks like my proposal was shot down... well, not so much shot down but I was given the "you can do it, but it'll be difficult, I've seen people try, and no one succeeds..." speech from Professor H. last night. bleh. Now I have to figure out what to write about, looks like I'm not going to be able to get around writing a historical research paper -- eek! I don't know HOW to write a historical research paper!

Too Hot.

I am ssoo not cut out for this whole tropical climate thing... It is too hot to do anything.

This whole week was overcast, so it was bearable, but today the sun was back, and I acted like a slug all day. Plus, I'm all out of Otter Pops, which I truly thank God for... his gift to the starving college students of hot places. (That was not at all disrespectful, I am truly thankful for Otter Pops.)

And the roommies and I are due to have dinner at the Landlord's house tonight- is that weird? I'm not sure... on the one hand I will have a square meal, which I haven't had in a while, but on the other hand - awkward! Plus, I should be doing a ton of reading, etc that I didn't do today because it was too hot to concentrate... the roommies have pledged to do their best to keep this as brief as possible. I hope it works out that way.

Boys are Weird.

Ranger Man and I have been tossing back and forth the idea of getting married for a bit now. I don't want to go through another deployment as a girlfriend, and well- he's still trying to get used to the fact that he's got a girlfriend... so it's been interesting, to say the least. But even before his school had started I'd really backed off- I mean, obviously, I can't force him to do anything, and why would I want to? I had made my point, we had some discussion, and I was going to let it be. And now that he's mega-stressed, I was really not even worried about it at all. He can't get deported again until he's done at school, so I don't need to worry about it right now...

Today, we were talking about the copious amounts of books that I'm collecting, and how I wasn't looking forward to moving... and he said (I'm quoting, because yes, I asked him to repeat this...) "Well by that time maybe your hubby will be able to help." My what?! I thought that I was just a girlfriend? I was getting used to the girlfriend idea. It is not nice to tease girls that way! Not that I'm obsessing about it... but really... that was the most bizarre thing for him to say. what a weirdo.

The Kite Runner- Part 2

Here is an update (via NYT) on the situation with the filming of The Kite Runner. Well, I suppose not the filming, but the poor kid that got drafted to play Hassan. He's not such a poor kid any more I guess. I just think this whole situation is fascinating, and I wish that I knew more about it. What did the contracts say? Is it true that the families didn't receive a script? In short- it seems that both sides have a lot to gain by deception, either in the beginning as the family says, or now as the family wants out of A-Stan... It's just fascinating.

On the other hand, reading the book was traumatic enough for me, I'm not sure if I could ever see a movie about it...

The letter writing brigade (me!)

Ranger Man is trying so hard, and I wish that I could help him... but of course what can I do, even if we were married there wouldn't be anything that I could do- so I regress back to what I do best... writing letters. I am a heck of a letter writer, let me tell you. The poor guy is probably going to be mortified- it's one thing to get bright pink letters from your girlfriend when you're deployed, is it something else when you're at school? Is it still a good thing, or is it a bad thing? I'm not sure. Either way, he didn't tell me to stop sending them, thus I will continue, I suppose. I just hope they're enough!

Again.

One of the things that I always forget about, until it happens, during a deployment or TDY is how much I like saying good night to Ranger Man, and hearing him say Good Night to me before I go to sleep. When you're a crazy insomniac with scary dreams, you tend to rely on positive routines in order to fall asleep at night (because really, is there any other motivation?), and my routine which was oh so nice has been.... suspended for the time being, again. Hooah.

Because of some significant spatial/location issues, it is extremely rare that Ranger Man and I get to say our good nights in person, so it is normally by phone anyways, but it is definitely something that I have gotten used to and it is one of the first things that is hitting me about this super secret Army school... I miss saying good night, and hearing it. It's just not the same coming from my Roommates...

Unlike the last few weeks/months, he is busy. I know that he isn't "deported" Which is our euphemism (I'll save that for a later post) for deployment, I know that he's safe and he's going to be safe for the whole time he's there, but at the same time, his cell phone is very turned off most of the time (he made sure to tell me that would be the case, so that I could stop worrying...), and even when he can talk, he's tired and it's deportment mode for me on the phone- everything is happy and fine and nothing is wrong...

There are of course, other things that I miss too, but that is the one that I can put into words the most concretely. It's a little difficult to explain, but there is something innately comforting to talk to the one you love right before you go to sleep, even if it is always just by phone. However, it looks like for the next few months, I am on my own for the good nights. Maybe we can tape-record it and I could listen to it before bed...

Financial Aid Woes

I have spent (so far) six full weeks being yanked around by Financial Aid... And there is no end in sight. Six weeks ago they told me everything was in order, they were just waiting for the funds to come through... last friday when I still hadn't seen anything, I was (rudely) told that I needed to verify I'd received my BA -- What? So the transcript that I paid $20 for and sent in with my application doesn't count? When I explained to them that they merely needed to read my transcript and they would determine that it did indeed reflect the award of my degree, I was then assured that everything was fine, and it would be 1-2 weeks and I would see the check...

I got another bill yesterday. I called this morning and was shooed off the phone with the same "we're just waiting for the funds" routine that I got six weeks ago! Oh. My. Gosh. I don't know if Financial Aid is really that hard, or if this is more evidence of the delight-fulness of this Island...

Atkinson - IED alert

Rick Atkinson at the Washington Post is one of my favorite traditional media embeds- I have admired his objectivity. He wrote a feature, being published in a series starting today, about IEDs in Iraq, Afghanistan, and historically (which I thought was pretty cool). It is definitely worth checking out the reading- partly because it supports an awesome job by a reporter, which means that maybe the MSM will start realizing that bias is NOT a good thing, and also because there is a lot of information in the writing.

Correction

Okay, that may have been a little harsh. Not all spouses are mean, some of the are actually pretty awesome. However, there are enough of them that look down their noses at me (and I fully admit that I tend to be over-sensitive), that they are the primary reason that I wear a ring on my finger to avoid questions and never ever volunteer the information that I am a Ranger Girlfriend. But- I do want to make it clear that I do not feel animosity towards all wives, it is more a trepidation type of feeling towards those that I either don't know, or that don't know about Ranger Man.

"The Club"

Why is it that Army (or Navy, or whatever) wives are so uppity about girlfriends? Why is there this club that they think that are better than us because they have more rings than I do?

Granted, I have not walked down the aisle- but there are some very specific, very good reasons for that. My man doesn't want me to screw up school just to be closer to him (which is a wish that is very hard to comply with sometimes!), and my school and his job just never seem to be in the same place at the same time. At this point, we don't see a need to say "I do" and then get on separate planes and fly to separate parts of the country for months at a time so that his career can proceed and I can get my MA in something I feel is worthwhile. He told me the other day, "Babe, you're getting As on graduate level papers- I'm not your first priority right now, and that's okay." I don't honestly know if that is true, I mean yes - I did choose to go to school on an Island, but I also chose to be with the man that will always treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and I do everything in hopes of one day having a life together that is not only together, but mutually fulfilling. If I am miserable because I can't get a job that is decent because I didn't finish school, what kind of a relationship would we have? Same thing with him, if I had stayed, and not come here, I would not have wanted him to give up where he is right now in order to be around me a little more- that just doesn't make sense to me.

So I go through the deployments, and there are many for Ranger-Men... and I do everything that they do, only I don't actually get to say goodbye right before he gets on the plane. I have to do it over the phone. I don't get the support of an FRG, and I do it with the knowledge that I might hear about it on the news first if something bad happens to him. I do it without Health Insurance, and he does it without BAH. I don't think it matters as much to him- being married or single is just a box to check for him, but for me it is so much different. It is being ostracized, and looked down upon by people that were once in my very same position. If that's the way you have to act to be in "the club," I don't know that I want it.

Not fun.

Mr. Ranger Man leaving tonight for some super-secret Army schooling for the next five or so months. And then after that, he's PCSing to somewhere else Ranger-like... and it is absolutely killing me that I can't be there to help him and be with him for all of this. At school, as he told me last night, he not "authorized to have a family," so that's not too much different than now- except that he didn't have a home to leave all his stuff at- he's going from one barracks room to another to another, and darn it, my man needs a home! I knew that this part, him being on the mainland and me being here was going to be hard- but honestly, I don't know if I can do this- I want to be there for him, and I can't be if I'm going to school. I feel like this is ripping me apart.

?? I smell something fishy...

If you haven't read The Kite Runner, this is your official spoiler alert... Don't read if you want to be surprised be the book!

Okay, I smell something fishy in this article. Someone is being less than honest. Either this Afghan family is looking for a free ride out of Afghanistan along with their $10,000 paycheck, or there is someone that is seriously sick at the studio- There would be absolutely no way to take the rape scene out of the plot, it is the pivotal point in the story! Everything revolves around what happens after that point, so how in the world would they be able to take it out? I am not going to point fingers one way or the other, because I have no idea what the contract said, or whether the claim of not being allowed access to the story line beforehand is accurate- but still...

A happy sigh.

Although I try to be aware of it all the time, every once in a while it strikes me just how wonderful Mr. Ranger Man is...

I mean, really- I made a conscious decision to head off to grad school on an Island for two years- where I was 99% certain he was not going to be- Granted, he has no idea where he's going to be in the next two years either- but I was the one who made the more permanent, farther away, decision. And he is the most supportive person ever. What a guy. He is totally fine with the fact that I am living with 2 male housemates (or maybe the Big Bad Ranger Man doesn't feel he needs to be threatened by sailors... ), and I am surrounded by military guys not only physically (living right by MCBH), but also in class and just the fact that they are everywhere (and he knows my weakness for men in uniform), but he is okay with everything.

And that's not even coming close to mentioning how wonderfully patient he is with me. The relationships I've been in previously haven't exactly left me without baggage, and he waits patiently for me to figure out that he's different, and that is the conclusion that I always come to... I am constantly amazed.

How many guys out there would enter into a serious relationship, knowing full well that for at least the next two years actual physical proximity would be sporadic and uncertain at best- and still make me a promise to not leave and not cheat? I truly think that he is wondeful.

Girlfriends are Vapor. Or Worse.

Sometimes, it feels to me like I'm vapor. I do not exist.

That is, as far as the Army is concerned, I might as well not be living and breathing, because they don't care. Why? Because I am "only a girlfriend." I am not a wife... which means if something happens to the love of my life... instead of the certain knowledge that someone will show up on my doorstep to tell me, I am instead faced with the possibility that if they get around to it, someone might call me and tell me. Is it any wonder that when Ranger Man was gone I compulsively checked the DOD casualty news releases?

On the other hand, I rarely volunteer the information to people that I meet that I am an Army girlfriend, and I NEVER volunteer that I am a Ranger Girlfriend. There is something in society that lets people sympathize with wives, and associate a sense of sacrifice and almost heroism (by association of the soldier-husband?) with the wife, but girlfriends- maybe because we haven't "closed the deal?"- are merely the barracks whores. And Ranger girlfriends... well, let's say that people think that I should come complete with my own stripper pole...

I hate being a girlfriend! So- does that mean that I should rush into a marriage, knowing full well that I won't be able to live with my husband for at least two years, in order to sooth my mind? Or should I wait, patiently, losing more and more of my mind with each deployment and becoming more and more of a recluse as I am unable to share this huge portion of my life with people for fear of the "looks." I feel like I want to get married, because I don't think that you can impose civilian ideas of conventionality onto Military marriages, but I also would really like to be able to live with my husband once we're married. Being together and being separated is really hard!

Pillow Shopping

Mr. Ranger Man has the most pathetic pillow I have ever seen. It is not much thicker than if he were to take his sheet and fold it in half a couple times, that would be about the thickness of this pillow. So he's depressed because even though he's back in the US, we're still not actually together, so when he goes to bed at night, all he has is this little pillow which is depressing anyways. So for about three weeks, I've been trying to convince him to get a new one, trying to tell him that it will help him feel better to be a little bit comfortable in his lonely bed in the barracks if he will just have a pillow that isn't depressing in and of itself.

The argument that I had to use was this: He's not buying a pillow for him, he's buying a pillow for us. I'm going to send him one of my pillow cases sprayed with my perfume, so it will smell like me, and it will be OUR pillow. And I told him to call me when he was at the store (I'm assuming he went to the PX) picking it out, so we could pick out OUR pillow together.

What an ordeal! He called me and just by the way that he answered the phone I could tell that something was wrong, he was all sorts of bumming about having to buy a pillow for himself, and trying to get him to describe the pillows to me was like pulling teeth ("they look like pillows" is not helpful!) Anyways, somehow "we" managed to pick one out... so Mr. Ranger Man now has a new pillow. I'm hoping that being comfortable at night will help him to feel better about being by himself. Although, we've never really actually been together, so I have a hard time determining what the problem is- sure, we've spent a weekend together here and there, but never for any protracted length of time... so this should be what we're used to, right? He just wants to be with me as much as he can, and I can't say that I blame him for that, I miss him too!

Yay, a Knit-along!

I'm participating in a knit-along, I'm very excited about it... It helps to hear from someone every once in a while who doesn't think you're "just a girlfriend," and especially not just a Ranger girlfriend... which apparently are usually strippers. (Ranger Man pointed out the other night that I would have absolutely no clue what to do with a stripper pole... made me want to learn just to prove him wrong!)
Anyways.... I am totally stoked about the knit-along, and I can't wait to get started. I am forcing myself to finish my paper that is due today with the reward system... as soon as I finish writing about the archaic international treatise on international law, then I can go to the yarn store and get my yarn... I will not let Huig van Gruit keep me from my knitting!!

Sleeping is Difficult

Bad dreams suck. I've had PTSD-type dreams my entire life... which I suppose as a statement would merit some explanation.

I've never had, like most people do, a defining moment or incident which has given me these dreams. They are about several different things, not just one thing and (thank God) usually nothing that has too much basis in reality. But, seriously, how does one motivate oneself to go to sleep if one knows that they will have to watch someone they know about die every night? Yes, I have some meds- but they don't actually stop the dreams, they just help me go to sleep initially and help me stay disassociated from what is going on in these depraved manifestations of the worst case scenarios. On the other hand, on the pills I'm not fully realizing the full extent of my dreams- what normally happens is something bad happens (think your younger brother dies in your arms and you can't help him), and then traditionally I start to exact some revenge on the perpetrators, which is when the real violence and gore begins. But on the meds, I'm not even following it through to the death part. The pre-death, where the cause of death occurs, is more vivid, but I don't have any sort of resolution, and without taking it out on the 'bad guys,' I don't get any sense of resolution, I only get the helpless feeling night after night after night. So I'm thinking about going off my meds... at least for a little while and see if I can break this cycle of dreams... because I hate it when I am afraid to go to sleep! I miss having Mr. Ranger Man around!

Chalk one up to the Island

Today the Island won... the tentative truce of yesterday was flagrantly violated multiple times.

My work schedule had me scheduled to start work at seven this morning. My boss called last night to confirm, and the message he left me said seven thirty. As it was after-hours, and I couldn't call and confirm, I went with the most recent set of information that he had given me and aimed to be there at seven thirty. Of course, the bus was late, so I clocked in at seven thirty four, which I admit was late. However it was really late if one didn't recall telling me to come in at seven thirty, I was really late. And of course it's my fault.
And then I'm driving this ginormous van thingy, which granted isn't really that ginormous, except that I'm used to driving an Accent, which is a teeny tiny commuter car... and the way to the Kis all twisty and windy... but I didn't drive fast enough of course.
Then- taking the clients back to the 'Kis... one of the women is pregnant, with morning sickness... so she is literally - not exaggerating- puking into a dry bag most of the way there. That was my welcome into driving to the 'Kis... Luckily I didn't have class today, because I wouldn't have gotten back in time, I probably would have been late- I tried to convey to my boss that I absolutely had to be back to the shop by five in order to make it to class on time, but he tried to feed me some line about how normally they make it back by quarter till blah blah blah- and I tried to tell him it was because of construction- whatever, hopefully he's right.

On the bright side... Mr. Ranger Man is starting to be back to normal after his vacation. It wasn't that he was mean or volatile or anything- but he was acting a whole lot more like a stupid boy than he normally did- I could tell that he had spent too much time holed up with a bunch of other dudes without enough female interaction... but today he was so wonderful- like normal... I sure wish that he didn't have to just be wonderful over the phone!

The Indignity of Tuna Fish.

Let me lay out several points which may help to make this rant more coherent.

1. I hate anything fishy- I don't eat fish or shellfish or anything that normally live in water- I just don't like it.
2. This Island is out to get me; it is trying to bring me down in any way possible, and it has now resorted to playing dirty.

Okay... To continue. I am once again a poor college student. Not only that, I am a poor college student in this horrible place where the cost of groceries is astronomically high, so I can't actually afford to eat meat. All I can afford is, well.... cans of tuna- which is highly reprehensible because I hate the stuff, but it's all I can afford, so I drown the tuna in mayonnaise and relish in order to try not to taste it.

I'm normally a pretty healthy eater. In fact Mr. Ranger Man was just today teasing me because I was coming home from my job at the Kayak shop, wearing tie-dye and eating granola... well, you get the picture. My roommates eat stuff like Velveeta and other really processed stuff, and I just can't brin myself to do it. Back home I'm all about the farmer's markets and as fresh as possible.

So today, when I am opening my horrid can of tuna, right on the top where I can't miss it is this reproaching taunt I am sure straight from this awful Island... my tuna in a can would be good until 2011. That is what, four years from now? yuck. Just thinking about the preservatives or whatever the heck they did to that fish that would let it keep (unrefrigerated) in a can for four years made me queasy... Not only is it bad enough that I have to eat the stuff almost every day, now it's going to make fun of me too, and draw attention to the fact that it is an awful food that will never go bad?

But - I did not let this stinkin' Island get me down... I said to the Island- "you know what, Island? This may not be normal for me, but it's what I've got now and I'm going to deal with it, so you're going to have to deal with me. So bugger off and leave me alone!" And yes, this was out loud... and the day is only halfway over.

Quote of the Day

"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his."

Gen. George S. Patton

h/t VoxVeterana

New Fisher House!

Check this out- there's a new Fisher House coming in Seattle!

Also this- awesome way to support the new House!

SA

Whether or not you agree with the act of war, or the conflicts that this country is currently engaged in, one fact remains. The men and women who are fighting in these conflicts are our neighbors, our neighbors sons and daughters and they are, whether you are comfortable with it or not, fighting and dying in the name of the rest of us. To those of us who have loved ones fighting and risking their lives, it can't be about politics, it is about loving each other.

Every day, new batallions of soldiers leave. Luckily, there are amazing organizations like Soldiers' Angels who exist solely to make the lives of these soldiers easier and happier.

You can help. You don't have to support the war- but you can support your neighbors. All it takes is a commitment to send a card or a letter a month. Usually, an adoption lasts about 6-8 months, and it makes the biggest difference in the world to the soldiers who are treated to a bit of normalcy from home. Please take the time to explore this organization and reach out and support a soldier. They need us.

"Non-Citizen Soldiers" etc. - WashPo

The Washington Post had an awesome opinion piece today... Definitely worth a read. Totally valid point- and a good illustration of politics getting in the way of a really great idea. Politics can be okay sometimes, but in this case the conservative agenda is harming the country.

Also this one... food for thought. Something that isn't illuminated very often, but there are a great deal of our servicemembers that don't see combat, while others see way too much. Thus is the nature of different types of jobs - the military has them just like every other industry has them!

Amendment

Okay, so I know that I've written about the terrible things that women can do while men are deployed- but what I didn't talk about was terrible things that men can do while they are deployed. Starting with NOT SAYING GOOD BYE. This is a simple note to all those who are facing impending deployment. Just because you can't say where you're going, or how long you're going to be gone doesn't mean that you should just disappear. That is not an acceptable course of action! SAY GOODBYE!

Lebanon

A simple request tonight... please pray for those in Lebanon- 'specially the American troops that were sent there today. Can't say why, but would appreciate good thoughts going out for them!

Memorial Day

Reading the local newspaper about Memorial Day, I was struck by how many cemetaries were in my area. There were so many opportunities to stand side by side with the American Legion, or the VFW and honor the amazing men and women who have given their lives for this country. It struck me that this was a really depressing holiday.
I know that Memorial Day is about honoring those who have fallen, and remembering and mourning them is an incredibly powerful thing to do. But what better way to honor those that have died by supporting those who continue in their stead? Servicemembers that are not able to complete their mission, or accomplish their objective, are missing a part of themselves. Servicemembers want to be able to assist their comrades in their missions, and in life.
My suggestion then is this: This memorial day, certainly, stand on hallowed ground where soldiers are laid to rest, and honor their deaths. But also honor their lives, and the lives of those who still live. Fisher House and Soldiers' Angels are two great ways to support people who live Memorial Day every day.

Evil Women

I have a Soldier, a 1Lt, who has been deployed for the better part of a year now, whose wife has recently told him that the distance issue is harder than she previously thought it would be, and she just isn't sure what she wants anymore, and she wants an "open relationship" to figure it out. What is that? Why would you do that to someone you love? Even if you were that confused, can't you wait until he comes back to figure it out? I'm not just talking out of my butt, I've lived through a deployment, and I'm not saying it's easy- but it is all about the person who is deployed. They are the ones getting shot at, they are the ones that need to concentrate. Why would you do something like that to them? I do not understand, some women are just mean!

Ranger Boy

Can guys and girls be "just" friends? I don't know. I thought I had a best friend, he thought he had something more, and I couldn't be what he wanted me to be, and he couldn't be what I wanted hiim to be, so now we can't even talk to each other. That sucks. I love him, with all my heart. I absolutely love him, I am just not in love with him. No one has ever cared about my feelings and me the way he did, it was amazing. I've never felt more comfortable talking to someone, about so many different things. But he can't talk to me without me hurting him. So now we don't talk. I lost my best friend because I'm a girl. Granted, if I wasn't a girl, we probably wouldn't have been friends to begin with... This sucks.
All I want is my best friend back. The guy that I could talk to, who didn't make me feel crazy and wanted me to feel better. I want that guy back. And I'm now terrified of anyone else who purports to have this same mission, because I don't want to a) hurt them like I hurt Rob, and b) end up feeling like this again. So I keep my feelings to myself and don't tell anyone. I miss my best friend.

LCPL Daniel

"I would like to thank you again for brightening my day K. You are the type of people we would willingly give the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our rights and privileges remain intact. You have a Wonderful and Eventful life. And know you will also be in my prayers."

This was the closing line of an email I got from LCPL Daniel, a Marine, today. I wrote him as one of my LWT soldiers, and I am completely amazed that he would be able to say all this, when all I did was write a letter, and he's the one that's getting shot at all the time. That's truly incredible. These are the men and women in uniform, they are truly amazing.

This is why I write letters, and that is why I believe in our armed forces. This Marine is even younger than me, 20 years old, yet he has the ability to make that kind of judgement? I am amazed. Thank you, LCPL Daniel, you'll always be in my Prayers.

People's Feelings

I've determined that there is no rhyme or reason to mean people. I realize this is probably something most people learn early on, but to me it has been exceedingly hard to accept. I hate the fact that people aren't always just plain old nice to each other. And I understand in a political way, why some forms of antagonism might be necessary, on a global scale- that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about just plain old mean people. Or even really great people who are put into crappy situations and are forced to do mean things... which of course is even harder to accept. There is no sense to this process, there is nothing that we can do about it, except to accept that it happens, hope that it won't, and deal with it when it does. There is nothing else.
How do you not steel yourself for the inevitable then, how does one say, "self, I know that people are mean, but you must not hold that against them that one day they will probably hurt you deeply" How do you look past that and see the good potential? It is difficult for me. One on one, personally, people hurt each other very maliciously and very intentionally, and that is why I tend to be a loner, because I have as of yet been unable to look past this rather ugly aspect of human nature.

Ugh, Sean Penn

Mr. Watada, seriously... it is shameful enough to shirk your own duty, and then to promote a spectacle outside post? I am so glad the true bridge people of Fort Lewis made a counter-protest, they are my heroes for today! I no longer have any stomach for Sean Penn films...

Armageddon

It occurs to me today that I miss the days of Armageddon and Independence Day, shoot, I even miss Men in Black. I miss these days because the worst possible scenario no longer comes from outer space. There is no longer some vague, distant, science fiction threat that is the worst thing imaginable. We have seen destruction, and for the time being, it is enough for us. The incredible threat of bombings and wars are all too real, and the idea of an asteroid destroying the planet is taking a distant second place to terror, homeland and beyond.

The mindset of a society is easily determined by the films they produce and watch. There was a sort of innocence in a society who was intrigued by films about outer space and aliens, which has been eroded and replaced with films about terrorism, warfare and strife. There is a conservative movement in film. I don't mean conservative in a political sense, rather in the returning to the basics sense, a sort of fundamentalism that is manifesting itself in film. Films are based on what we know as reality, what we can relate to, and a cataclysmic asteroid is no longer in this category.

There are some things that remain the same. The heroes, they are the same. I can watch Bruce Willis in Armageddon and see the sense of responsibility and honor and duty that are protrayed in the soldiers depicted in today's war films. Watching the bravery of the men and women who were sent to destroy an asteroid, or fight off aliens, remind the audience of the brave men and women who are today fighting al-Qaeda and insurgents. Today, there are amazing heroes to look to every day, we don't need to dream up wild scenarios for them to prove themselves, they do it every day, and they do it for much longer than an average movie.

I liked the days of Armageddon-ish films. I liked the days when I could sit in a movie theater, be taken to the end of days, and then be brought back. Because today, I don't have to sit in the movie theater to do that. I know that there are serious security threats and that there are real heroes out there who are facing very real trials. I thank God for them, and will do anything I can to help them.