It's been an interesting week.
I finished my first draft (hooray!), so for the first time in the last two years, I had no schoolwork to do. That was a completely weird feeling.
I decided that either the college students in this college town are getting younger, or I'm getting older. They used to look so old, and now they look like babies. I think it must be that they are getting younger. Also, I had very much forgotten what men look like with longer hair than me.
Obviously, I determined that it's not a great idea to stay in this house for an extended period of time while waiting for admissions decisions. I'll be finding a new apartment here in my hometown after I arrive- one with a bathroom that's been cleaned in the last 2.5 years.
I had a very awkward lunch with my mom today, but on the other hand I seem to have gotten closer to my dad. We went for a walk/hike on Friday morning and afterwards he showed me where he's working, and the project he's been working on. He's never done that before. Of course, usually he's working inside an oil refinery, so he can't really bring his kids to show and tell, but it was still kind of interesting to see his project. I think that retaining this closeness is directly dependent on the aforementioned idea that I can't stay in this house for long...
This whole week, Ranger Man's been telling me how much he loves me and how much he misses me. Umm... what am I supposed to say to that? I know that much of his act on Sunday was, as Cookie mentioned in the comments, trying to make things easier on me. But really? Our relationship has an expiration date and it is rapidly approaching.
I missed this town. Young college students aside, I missed the eccentricities and the focus of this town. I'm glad to be returning to a place with similar values to mine.
I will spend the day tomorrow with my Grandma, and then it's back to the airport and on to Georgia. Monday will be a really long day.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend everyone!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Hard Day
Since Ranger Man is on block leave and his parents are coming into town later this week... I needed to get the heck out of dodge. I knew it was especially bad when I not only talked to my mother about it, but was actually bawling on the phone to her a couple weeks about how much I didn't want to have to deal with his mother. So she bought me a plane ticket to come home for the week, and the journey started today.
There's not a lot of time between now and Ranger Man's next deployment, and that time is going to be filled up with a lot of long training days. I think it really dawned on him in the last few days that I really am leaving. Maybe not, maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part (hey, I can still want to be missed, right?). Last night, when I was packing, he was clearly upset- although when I questioned him about it, he said it was about work. Whatever.
He dropped me off at the airport early this morning, and it was really hard. Much harder than I expected. I had tears rolling down my face before he pulled away- as much as I know that this is the right decisions, that doesn't mean that I want him to just let me go. He kept saying how much he was going to miss me, blah blah... and then he just let me walk into the airport.
Until I left Atlanta (after my connecting flight), I was in tears pretty much the whole time. I suppose it's good, because I'm finally having a chance to mourn the relationship properly- but somehow that knowledge doesn't make it hurt less. I mean, I *knew* that he wasn't going to all of a sudden have a come-to-Jesus moment and realize that he couldn't live without me. And I also knew that even if he did, I still wouldn't stay. But it still aches that he's letting me walk away like this.
And, to top off the day, once I finally got here ( a mere 20 hours after I left this morning), I discovered that one of my biggest fears about moving home is, indeed, true.
I left 2.5 years ago... I'm pretty sure that my brother hasn't cleaned our bathroom since then. It's gross.
To end on a good note, though... I get to hang out with this guy while I'm home. He's not as good as Webster, but he comes in a close, close second: This is Jack.
There's not a lot of time between now and Ranger Man's next deployment, and that time is going to be filled up with a lot of long training days. I think it really dawned on him in the last few days that I really am leaving. Maybe not, maybe that's just wishful thinking on my part (hey, I can still want to be missed, right?). Last night, when I was packing, he was clearly upset- although when I questioned him about it, he said it was about work. Whatever.
He dropped me off at the airport early this morning, and it was really hard. Much harder than I expected. I had tears rolling down my face before he pulled away- as much as I know that this is the right decisions, that doesn't mean that I want him to just let me go. He kept saying how much he was going to miss me, blah blah... and then he just let me walk into the airport.
Until I left Atlanta (after my connecting flight), I was in tears pretty much the whole time. I suppose it's good, because I'm finally having a chance to mourn the relationship properly- but somehow that knowledge doesn't make it hurt less. I mean, I *knew* that he wasn't going to all of a sudden have a come-to-Jesus moment and realize that he couldn't live without me. And I also knew that even if he did, I still wouldn't stay. But it still aches that he's letting me walk away like this.
And, to top off the day, once I finally got here ( a mere 20 hours after I left this morning), I discovered that one of my biggest fears about moving home is, indeed, true.
I left 2.5 years ago... I'm pretty sure that my brother hasn't cleaned our bathroom since then. It's gross.
To end on a good note, though... I get to hang out with this guy while I'm home. He's not as good as Webster, but he comes in a close, close second: This is Jack.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Would that be weird?
First of all, Thank You.
Thanks to those who wrote wonderful comments on my last post. I'm seriously considering printing out and keeping them with me in my wallet as an instant pick-me-up. Would that be weird? You are wonderful people and you said EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
In the meantime, I almost feel as though I'm in an alternate universe here sometimes. Most of the time it seems so surreal- to be leaving here and leaving everything... And then other times, mostly briefly, the reality sets in and it just feels sad.
It's strange. It's not a hard decision to make, and for the most part I feel completely confident that I'm making the right decision. So HARD isn't a good description. It just feels sad- sad to put so much energy and time and emotion into something that won't exist in a few weeks.
And then, of course, there's the guilt. How is it that I'm the one leaving to pursue my own life that's been put on hold, but yet I am the one that feels guilty? He's deploying and I'm leaving in rapid succession, and it feels terrible to be leaving him then. Logically I know that he's a big boy and he'll deal with it just fine- but I feel like a jerk for having to clean out the kitchen and cancel the cable and all that other stuff that comes with prolonged absence. That's not my responsibility anymore, I know... but it still makes me feel like a jerk.
This long, drawn out break-up process is very odd. And it doesn't help that I'm getting mildly panic-y about my applications that are due next month.
Obligatory Webster picture:
Helping to put together a dresser from IKEA. This begs for an LOLCats style caption, doesn't it?
So, in short, we're plugging away in a strange world. Prepping applications, planning a road trip across the country with a cat and all the while doing Christmas knitting.
Thanks to those who wrote wonderful comments on my last post. I'm seriously considering printing out and keeping them with me in my wallet as an instant pick-me-up. Would that be weird? You are wonderful people and you said EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
In the meantime, I almost feel as though I'm in an alternate universe here sometimes. Most of the time it seems so surreal- to be leaving here and leaving everything... And then other times, mostly briefly, the reality sets in and it just feels sad.
It's strange. It's not a hard decision to make, and for the most part I feel completely confident that I'm making the right decision. So HARD isn't a good description. It just feels sad- sad to put so much energy and time and emotion into something that won't exist in a few weeks.
And then, of course, there's the guilt. How is it that I'm the one leaving to pursue my own life that's been put on hold, but yet I am the one that feels guilty? He's deploying and I'm leaving in rapid succession, and it feels terrible to be leaving him then. Logically I know that he's a big boy and he'll deal with it just fine- but I feel like a jerk for having to clean out the kitchen and cancel the cable and all that other stuff that comes with prolonged absence. That's not my responsibility anymore, I know... but it still makes me feel like a jerk.
This long, drawn out break-up process is very odd. And it doesn't help that I'm getting mildly panic-y about my applications that are due next month.
Obligatory Webster picture:
Helping to put together a dresser from IKEA. This begs for an LOLCats style caption, doesn't it?
So, in short, we're plugging away in a strange world. Prepping applications, planning a road trip across the country with a cat and all the while doing Christmas knitting.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
An Explanation
Where I've been/Why I've not been blogging/What's been going on:
I think I was almost afraid to blog about it (and really to talk to anybody blog-related) because for the last year so much of this blog has been Ranger Man-related and Georgia related. I think I was afraid that somehow the blog would implode without those things. But the fact of the matter is that, like my life, this blog started before Ranger Man and will continue beyond Ranger Man. So in order for my life, and this blog, to move forward, the events and feelings that I've been not sharing for the past 6-9 months need to be shared.
We all know that I moved literally across the Pacific Ocean and then across the ENTIRE United States to be here with Ranger Man and get married and have a family. We also all know that Ranger Man isn't a fan of that idea. What I've not outlined is that the longer I've been here, the less amenable to that outcome he has become. This isn't one of those things we can compromise on. Me being here for a year was the compromise and that has come and gone- and now it's time for me to do the same.
There's no hostility, there's no animosity- in fact, we're still ostensibly "together" until I actually leave, but leave I will, and soon.
I've been putting together application materials to apply to further grad programs back in the PNW so I can get on with my life. I thought about staying here, at my job, for a while longer to save money- but the fact of the matter is that I need to get away from here to heal. It's very hard to heal when I come home to him every night, or even just come home to the apartment that he pays for every night. I want to move on.
So, this blog in the coming days will continue to be about my knitting (of course), finishing up that darn thesis (of course), and my life (of course), but my life now is in transition and will consist of moving across the country, again, applications processes (which will probably include some rejection but hopefully some acceptance as well), saying goodbye to Georgia and saying hello to my hometown and my old job.
Plus- I get to experience real seasons again, which I'm indescribably happy about. It's going to by wool weather FOR REAL there! For the obligatory knitting picture of the day:
A pair of plain vanilla socks, knit on size 1s with Hazel Knits Artisan Sock in the Chuckanut Drive Colorway. Ironically, this was my "coming to Georgia" yarn- I got it while I was still living in Hawaii (but back home on Spring Break) because it reminds me of fall at home. Ironically, now they feel like my "going home" socks rather than my "coming to Georgia" socks. But I love the way that it striped in the end, and they are a perfect fit.
So, in summation of the above: Thanks for being patient with my not posting recently, but I needed a minute to figure out what was going on and to not feel like a jerk about it. My life is changing quite a bit coming up, and that will likely be reflected here. What is likely not to change is of course the knitting. Nothing that's happening is mean-spirited or hostile, but it is time to move upwards and onwards.
I think I was almost afraid to blog about it (and really to talk to anybody blog-related) because for the last year so much of this blog has been Ranger Man-related and Georgia related. I think I was afraid that somehow the blog would implode without those things. But the fact of the matter is that, like my life, this blog started before Ranger Man and will continue beyond Ranger Man. So in order for my life, and this blog, to move forward, the events and feelings that I've been not sharing for the past 6-9 months need to be shared.
We all know that I moved literally across the Pacific Ocean and then across the ENTIRE United States to be here with Ranger Man and get married and have a family. We also all know that Ranger Man isn't a fan of that idea. What I've not outlined is that the longer I've been here, the less amenable to that outcome he has become. This isn't one of those things we can compromise on. Me being here for a year was the compromise and that has come and gone- and now it's time for me to do the same.
There's no hostility, there's no animosity- in fact, we're still ostensibly "together" until I actually leave, but leave I will, and soon.
I've been putting together application materials to apply to further grad programs back in the PNW so I can get on with my life. I thought about staying here, at my job, for a while longer to save money- but the fact of the matter is that I need to get away from here to heal. It's very hard to heal when I come home to him every night, or even just come home to the apartment that he pays for every night. I want to move on.
So, this blog in the coming days will continue to be about my knitting (of course), finishing up that darn thesis (of course), and my life (of course), but my life now is in transition and will consist of moving across the country, again, applications processes (which will probably include some rejection but hopefully some acceptance as well), saying goodbye to Georgia and saying hello to my hometown and my old job.
Plus- I get to experience real seasons again, which I'm indescribably happy about. It's going to by wool weather FOR REAL there! For the obligatory knitting picture of the day:
A pair of plain vanilla socks, knit on size 1s with Hazel Knits Artisan Sock in the Chuckanut Drive Colorway. Ironically, this was my "coming to Georgia" yarn- I got it while I was still living in Hawaii (but back home on Spring Break) because it reminds me of fall at home. Ironically, now they feel like my "going home" socks rather than my "coming to Georgia" socks. But I love the way that it striped in the end, and they are a perfect fit.
So, in summation of the above: Thanks for being patient with my not posting recently, but I needed a minute to figure out what was going on and to not feel like a jerk about it. My life is changing quite a bit coming up, and that will likely be reflected here. What is likely not to change is of course the knitting. Nothing that's happening is mean-spirited or hostile, but it is time to move upwards and onwards.
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