Little known fact about me- I was once a competitive rock climber. (And I guess now that is no longer little known, now that it's on the internet). I was pretty into it, actually... and climbing is how I met Ranger Man, I was working at a climbing gym, and he and some Ranger buddies were coming in to climb.
Anyways, back on topic, once upon a time, when I was in the eighth grade (so that would have been nine years ago? ish?) I did a project for a state-wide History contest. I did a presentation, more like a dramatization, of the effects of the climbing industry on the Sherpa in Nepal- specifically the advent of new climbing science and technology on the Sherpa culture.
I wrote a letter to Sir Edmund Hillary, knowing of his interest in the Sherpa and asking for any first hand knowledge he might have had. He sent me back a letter- a form letter- and a signed picture of himself. So I guess I have a sort of a personal connection. What I know about is this: he was probably one of the best people that could have possibly gotten that first summit. He used the subsequent fame not for his own gain, but to help other people, such as the Sherpa. Climbers aren't usually known for their small egos, and his humanitarian work, in light of his gigantic publicity was really incredible. I think I am most impressed by the fact that he didn't hog the limelight from Tenzing Norgay- his Sherpa guide. He very easily could have taken all of the credit, but he didn't do that, which I believe shows a whole heck of a lot of character, one of the few true heroes of this world.
The world lost a hero today.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Ugh.
Sleeping sucks.
You know what is interesting though- you can tell, people that have bad dreams like me- there's a certain look.
I had a boyfriend- hereafter to be referred to only as the Stupid Firefighter. He and I were in a class together when I for a short time thought I wanted to be a paralegal- long story. Anyways- he had bad dreams too... I think that was most of the reason that we were together, we were the same kind of crazy. It was kind of a crazy aphrodisiac, knowing that for once, someone didn't look at me with pity or like I was a loon... Someone who totally understood the sick feeling that lingers all of the following day, and someone who for once completely understood why there are many nights that I am terrified just to go to sleep. There was definitely a look- and every once in a while you see it in other people. It's more than the baggy eyed, haggard regular insomnia look- it's more hollow, and haunted. Because it replays over and over again... there's a look. I have that look today.
Oh, and about the Stupid Firefighter- lets just say that the same kind of crazy is overrated, and I'd rather have someone who can sleep through the night... And who even sleepy and bleary eyed at two in the morning will get up and check for bad guys for me when I'm convinced that they're still after me when I wake up. That's priceless. Plus- that's kind of Ranger Man's specialty, the whole checking for bad guys thing- I'm a lucky girl.
And until he can do that on a regular basis- I'm stuck not sleeping for a while, I guess.
You know what is interesting though- you can tell, people that have bad dreams like me- there's a certain look.
I had a boyfriend- hereafter to be referred to only as the Stupid Firefighter. He and I were in a class together when I for a short time thought I wanted to be a paralegal- long story. Anyways- he had bad dreams too... I think that was most of the reason that we were together, we were the same kind of crazy. It was kind of a crazy aphrodisiac, knowing that for once, someone didn't look at me with pity or like I was a loon... Someone who totally understood the sick feeling that lingers all of the following day, and someone who for once completely understood why there are many nights that I am terrified just to go to sleep. There was definitely a look- and every once in a while you see it in other people. It's more than the baggy eyed, haggard regular insomnia look- it's more hollow, and haunted. Because it replays over and over again... there's a look. I have that look today.
Oh, and about the Stupid Firefighter- lets just say that the same kind of crazy is overrated, and I'd rather have someone who can sleep through the night... And who even sleepy and bleary eyed at two in the morning will get up and check for bad guys for me when I'm convinced that they're still after me when I wake up. That's priceless. Plus- that's kind of Ranger Man's specialty, the whole checking for bad guys thing- I'm a lucky girl.
And until he can do that on a regular basis- I'm stuck not sleeping for a while, I guess.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
A Hope and A Dream. Part II
Here is a significantly edited version of his response. Keep in mind that we'd already talked a little about this on the phone... and I'm providing only a snapshot of his response:
"baby i love you... i don't think i have a problem with the idea of being married to you and living with you (kids is still a touchy issue though so don't push it) but going from us now to that is really hard on me."
ahh... answers that make sense. I love those. This is not over... I will need something before we move to Georgia, ideally an engagement ring, but I'm open to negotiations. And yes, our relationship is so weird that it probably will sound just like negotiations.... but it works. The double talk and the confusion are explained, and he and I are both aware of some things. Him talking about marriage and not backing it up is not working out for me... and I promise I've been as least pushy as possible! but I'll keep trying harder. And trying to make it easier for him to feel better about him and I. And Hopefully, if our Army cooperation lasts (which I'm not counting on), I will have five weeks this summer when I don't have to be on this awful Island...
I'm still not looking forward to going through another deployment as 'just a girlfriend,' and I am sure that we will have many conversations between how and then to figure out how I'm not going to lose my mind through this one. There was an interesting post at SpouseBuzz recently that got me thinking. It was about mil-to-mil marriages and the possibility/very real reality that casualty notifications can slip through the cracks. I guess maybe in that way I have more in common with mil-to-mil spouses than other spouses. I go crazy during deployments, but only half of it is because something may happen to Ranger Man. The other half is the knowledge that if something (heaven forbid) does happen to him- no one has to tell me. That's the real scary part.... and the knowledge that the 'no news is good news' mantra will keep me in the ark for what, days, weeks, could I go for months- thinking he's deep in some mission, being okay with not hearing from him.... shudder. that's what scares me about being a girlfriend. But, we'll figure something out, I'm sure. everything will be okay, right? (mantra number 2)
"baby i love you... i don't think i have a problem with the idea of being married to you and living with you (kids is still a touchy issue though so don't push it) but going from us now to that is really hard on me."
ahh... answers that make sense. I love those. This is not over... I will need something before we move to Georgia, ideally an engagement ring, but I'm open to negotiations. And yes, our relationship is so weird that it probably will sound just like negotiations.... but it works. The double talk and the confusion are explained, and he and I are both aware of some things. Him talking about marriage and not backing it up is not working out for me... and I promise I've been as least pushy as possible! but I'll keep trying harder. And trying to make it easier for him to feel better about him and I. And Hopefully, if our Army cooperation lasts (which I'm not counting on), I will have five weeks this summer when I don't have to be on this awful Island...
I'm still not looking forward to going through another deployment as 'just a girlfriend,' and I am sure that we will have many conversations between how and then to figure out how I'm not going to lose my mind through this one. There was an interesting post at SpouseBuzz recently that got me thinking. It was about mil-to-mil marriages and the possibility/very real reality that casualty notifications can slip through the cracks. I guess maybe in that way I have more in common with mil-to-mil spouses than other spouses. I go crazy during deployments, but only half of it is because something may happen to Ranger Man. The other half is the knowledge that if something (heaven forbid) does happen to him- no one has to tell me. That's the real scary part.... and the knowledge that the 'no news is good news' mantra will keep me in the ark for what, days, weeks, could I go for months- thinking he's deep in some mission, being okay with not hearing from him.... shudder. that's what scares me about being a girlfriend. But, we'll figure something out, I'm sure. everything will be okay, right? (mantra number 2)
A Hope and A Dream.
I love him. I really do. I couldn't have gotten through the last four months without him, and I absolutely don't want to spend any more of my life without him.
Having said all that... sometimes I could wring his neck.
Is it weird that I am feeling slightly off about the idea that I'm planning on moving across the country to somewhere that I've never been to before where I don't know anyone... to be with a guy who, although he loves me very much... that's as much of a commitment as I can get out of him. Sometimes it seems like he wants to marry me.... but after nine great days- and one chastisement from his mother, he's not even comfortable with having the same cell phone plan as me; that's too much commitment. ack! So now... not only do I have this commitment-phobic man who just left me again to 'go back to work,' but he also now is going to "turn his phone off during the day" to cut back on cell phone minutes because apparently we talk too much and that's a bit of a burden. Apparently it doesn't matter that I am stuck on an ISLAND where I don't know ANYONE.... I'll just talk to myself. cool.
Seriously, I understand that as much as I'm not sure that I can go through another deployment as 'just a girlfriend,' that is of course tempered by the fact that I probably won't see him before his next deployment, so that is a severe logistical problem. I get all that. I also get that I don't want him to do something like that just because I want him to- it has to be his choice. I do understand all that. But I think at this point, that's not what I'm looking for or wanting. I want to know that I'm not about to rearrange my life for someone that isn't willing to commit to something as simple as a cell phone plan. Of course it's not the cell phone plan that's the issue, but it is a handy example. When we were talking about it... I said something to the effect of "that means you really can't leave me..." and I was JOKING... but he was very serious in his long face and his "yeah, that's what I was just thinking" response. Great. One week he's telling me that if I meet him at the Courthouse over the weekend we'll just do it and get married, and two weeks later, he doesn't want me in charge of his cell phone. and I'm supposed to not be confused? Is anyone else getting mixed signals? wtf?
Like I said.. I love him and I can't live without him... but my goodness. Sometimes he's way frustrating and makes me sad.
** I actually wrote this a couple nights ago, but I didn't post it, 'cause I wanted to talk to Himself about it first... didn't seem right to post it without his knowledge. So we talked, and then he read it (good order for that, by the way), tomorrow maybe I'll post what he wrote back to me, because it was amazing and made me feel SSOOO much better. However, he only gave me permission to post what I wrote, he didn't say anything about what he wrote, so I feel I am obligated to ask him first, and right now he's sleeping.
Having said all that... sometimes I could wring his neck.
Is it weird that I am feeling slightly off about the idea that I'm planning on moving across the country to somewhere that I've never been to before where I don't know anyone... to be with a guy who, although he loves me very much... that's as much of a commitment as I can get out of him. Sometimes it seems like he wants to marry me.... but after nine great days- and one chastisement from his mother, he's not even comfortable with having the same cell phone plan as me; that's too much commitment. ack! So now... not only do I have this commitment-phobic man who just left me again to 'go back to work,' but he also now is going to "turn his phone off during the day" to cut back on cell phone minutes because apparently we talk too much and that's a bit of a burden. Apparently it doesn't matter that I am stuck on an ISLAND where I don't know ANYONE.... I'll just talk to myself. cool.
Seriously, I understand that as much as I'm not sure that I can go through another deployment as 'just a girlfriend,' that is of course tempered by the fact that I probably won't see him before his next deployment, so that is a severe logistical problem. I get all that. I also get that I don't want him to do something like that just because I want him to- it has to be his choice. I do understand all that. But I think at this point, that's not what I'm looking for or wanting. I want to know that I'm not about to rearrange my life for someone that isn't willing to commit to something as simple as a cell phone plan. Of course it's not the cell phone plan that's the issue, but it is a handy example. When we were talking about it... I said something to the effect of "that means you really can't leave me..." and I was JOKING... but he was very serious in his long face and his "yeah, that's what I was just thinking" response. Great. One week he's telling me that if I meet him at the Courthouse over the weekend we'll just do it and get married, and two weeks later, he doesn't want me in charge of his cell phone. and I'm supposed to not be confused? Is anyone else getting mixed signals? wtf?
Like I said.. I love him and I can't live without him... but my goodness. Sometimes he's way frustrating and makes me sad.
** I actually wrote this a couple nights ago, but I didn't post it, 'cause I wanted to talk to Himself about it first... didn't seem right to post it without his knowledge. So we talked, and then he read it (good order for that, by the way), tomorrow maybe I'll post what he wrote back to me, because it was amazing and made me feel SSOOO much better. However, he only gave me permission to post what I wrote, he didn't say anything about what he wrote, so I feel I am obligated to ask him first, and right now he's sleeping.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Knitalong Finished
Sarah asked for pictures of my completed Danica Scarf, so... I finally got my butt in gear and found both my camera and the cordy-thingy that attaches it to my computer.
It's not too bad, I didn't block it- partly because I didn't have anything to block it with, and partly because I kind of liked the un-blocked look.
I took it to Ranger Man over Thanksgiving, and somehow convinced him to wear it to work (when they get to wear regular clothes). Apparently 'the guys' like to tease him. I tell him they're just
jealous that their girlfriends/wives whatever didn't make them a warm scarf to wear.He's not convinced that this is the explanation. Either way,
my honey is wearing or at least owning something that I
made... that makes me feel better. He has this aversion to me making him anything... like he's afraid of me going to too much effort for him or something. He's just going to have to get over that. Although, it should be noted this aversion does not extend to letter writing. Letter writing is appreciated to the utmost extent.
Holidays Check Off
We've been lucky this year. Despite being separated by the Pacific Ocean, Ranger Man and I have been fortunate enough to spend some major holidays together.
Thanksgiving - Check. We were in a hotel room, but Ranger Man cooked (chicken and broccoli, my favorite!), and we got to be together.
His Birthday- Not Check. We missed this one by a couple days.
My Birthday- Check. In the midst of moving, again, he cooked for me (tacos... yum), and he started teaching me to dance - he was part of the Ballroom dancing club in college, how cool is that?! We watched a movie or two and relaxed all day.
Christmas- Check. Goes with my birthday, but they are two albeit very close together, but two separate days. He surprised me by putting presents under the tree and having stockings... He made pancakes for breakfast and we had hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music. I think we cooked dinner together, but I honestly don't remember that part- I remember the morning... and watching the movie Ratatouille (sp?). He was deployed when it was out in theaters, but he really wanted to see it, so his parents got it for him, and we watched it on Christmas day.
New Years Eve- Check. We watched the Fireworks on the Beach. This was the day of my "he's leaving me again" mini-meltdown, but through some tears we made it through and heralded the New Year from underneath a palm tree. Truthfully, I think that New Year's Eve is even worse than Valentine's Day. It is almost acceptable to not have 'a date' for Valentine's Day- no one looks at you sideways if a girl buys chocolates and wine for herself and then shuts the world out on Valentine's Day, that's okay to do. However, on New Year's, you're supposed to have a boy around, someone to celebrate with, and no one accepts "my boy is in the Army on the other side of the world" as an excuse to hide. So I am very glad that he was here on Monday night.
So what does that leave?
Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day... we might get Memorial Day this year. Although, now that I think about it, we may have had Memorial day last year, I'll have to see if he remembers, I think we were together for that one. Other than that, who knows? Someday, maybe in two years, I'll have my 'date' for Valentine's Day... sigh.
Thanksgiving - Check. We were in a hotel room, but Ranger Man cooked (chicken and broccoli, my favorite!), and we got to be together.
His Birthday- Not Check. We missed this one by a couple days.
My Birthday- Check. In the midst of moving, again, he cooked for me (tacos... yum), and he started teaching me to dance - he was part of the Ballroom dancing club in college, how cool is that?! We watched a movie or two and relaxed all day.
Christmas- Check. Goes with my birthday, but they are two albeit very close together, but two separate days. He surprised me by putting presents under the tree and having stockings... He made pancakes for breakfast and we had hot chocolate and listened to Christmas music. I think we cooked dinner together, but I honestly don't remember that part- I remember the morning... and watching the movie Ratatouille (sp?). He was deployed when it was out in theaters, but he really wanted to see it, so his parents got it for him, and we watched it on Christmas day.
New Years Eve- Check. We watched the Fireworks on the Beach. This was the day of my "he's leaving me again" mini-meltdown, but through some tears we made it through and heralded the New Year from underneath a palm tree. Truthfully, I think that New Year's Eve is even worse than Valentine's Day. It is almost acceptable to not have 'a date' for Valentine's Day- no one looks at you sideways if a girl buys chocolates and wine for herself and then shuts the world out on Valentine's Day, that's okay to do. However, on New Year's, you're supposed to have a boy around, someone to celebrate with, and no one accepts "my boy is in the Army on the other side of the world" as an excuse to hide. So I am very glad that he was here on Monday night.
So what does that leave?
Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day... we might get Memorial Day this year. Although, now that I think about it, we may have had Memorial day last year, I'll have to see if he remembers, I think we were together for that one. Other than that, who knows? Someday, maybe in two years, I'll have my 'date' for Valentine's Day... sigh.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Savoring
My nine days are officially over. Ranger Man is somewhere above the Pacific Ocean right now, on his way back to Super Secret Army Land, and I am trying to decompress and savor the time that we had, while I should be doing the substantial amount of reading that needs to be done for class tomorrow night.
I'm moved, much less space but it is my own, and I spent the first few days here with the most wonderful man, so it feels more like home now. I asked him to leave his toothpaste... because it tastes like him, and I managed to keep a couple more of his shirts this go 'round as well.
Nine days was definitely a learning process, and new record for us- maybe someday we'll be together for a double-digit number of days, but for now nine days was a great thing. We learned more about each other, and as much as it was apparent that life can never be idyllic, it was even more apparent that there will never be anyone that I want to come home to (or have come home to me) than him, and that no one will ever take better care of me than him. Which in turn means there isn't anyone I'd rather take care of...
I always think that it's going to get easier- the saying good-bye part. And it never does. Luckily for us, somehow we always manage to deal with things at different paces, so I was in tears all day yesterday and this afternoon, but by the time it hit Ranger Man this evening, I was pulled together enough to take care of business. As much as I realized over and over again that I really, really want to be with him all the time- not just here and there every once in a while, this trip reinforced for me that I am making the right decision.
I have no idea when I'm going to see him again- it may not be for another eight months. He might get deployed and come back again... and I won't see him before or after any of it. I'll admit that is something I feel really guilty about sometimes, like I'm being selfish for staying here while he could be off... well- you know. But he's right- I do need to finish this, and eight months isn't that long. We'll be really happy eight months from now... but in order for that to happen, I need to finish here first. That doesn't mean I need to go hog wild and stay here any longer than is absolutely necessary, but somehow he makes me feel less guilty about not being with him. For now anyways.
I'm moved, much less space but it is my own, and I spent the first few days here with the most wonderful man, so it feels more like home now. I asked him to leave his toothpaste... because it tastes like him, and I managed to keep a couple more of his shirts this go 'round as well.
Nine days was definitely a learning process, and new record for us- maybe someday we'll be together for a double-digit number of days, but for now nine days was a great thing. We learned more about each other, and as much as it was apparent that life can never be idyllic, it was even more apparent that there will never be anyone that I want to come home to (or have come home to me) than him, and that no one will ever take better care of me than him. Which in turn means there isn't anyone I'd rather take care of...
I always think that it's going to get easier- the saying good-bye part. And it never does. Luckily for us, somehow we always manage to deal with things at different paces, so I was in tears all day yesterday and this afternoon, but by the time it hit Ranger Man this evening, I was pulled together enough to take care of business. As much as I realized over and over again that I really, really want to be with him all the time- not just here and there every once in a while, this trip reinforced for me that I am making the right decision.
I have no idea when I'm going to see him again- it may not be for another eight months. He might get deployed and come back again... and I won't see him before or after any of it. I'll admit that is something I feel really guilty about sometimes, like I'm being selfish for staying here while he could be off... well- you know. But he's right- I do need to finish this, and eight months isn't that long. We'll be really happy eight months from now... but in order for that to happen, I need to finish here first. That doesn't mean I need to go hog wild and stay here any longer than is absolutely necessary, but somehow he makes me feel less guilty about not being with him. For now anyways.
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