Warning. This is really horrible. The easily offended should probably stop reading now.
This is a confession of a long distance, seriously committed Army girlfriend.
Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes... there have been days since he's been at this Super Secret Army School when I've almost wished he was deployed instead.
Of course, if I were given the choice on any given day, I would pick school over deployment 100% of the time. But I can't help, some days, really seeing the benefits of the consistency of a deployment. I don't expect him to be able to talk to me during a deployment. I don't expect him, my best friend, to be emotionally available to me during a deployment. I understand that is just not possible, and I understand that once he leaves, emotionally I am more or less on my own. And I'm okay with that. What's difficult now is the not knowing- some days, on a weekend if I'm having a bad night, I can call him in the middle of the night and we can talk. Or I can call him after school and we can talk. Other days, he's exhausted from work and talking on the phone is basically a no-go until the stress subsides. I just wish there was some sort of cheat sheet for me, saying when he was going to be available, or not- getting your hopes up sucks.
Don't get me wrong. I am very glad that he's non-deployable for the next month and a half. I am very glad that there are no one is shooting at him right now. Believe me, there is no way that I would willingly trade what we have right now for that option... there are just some days when I see the benefits of it, that's all... and then I am immediately reminded of the live-fire types of things that are associated with deployment and I tell myself to suck it up and that in eight months it's not going to matter because we won't have this awful phone relationship anymore anyways. Some days though...
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The Tales of the Hippie and the Conspicuous Consumer
Most of the time, it is really great that Ranger Man and I are together. Sometimes, however, it becomes apparent that we have different value systems. Put another way- most of the time these values systems complement each other, it's just tricky figuring out how to get them to do that sometimes.
I need someone who is focused on and realizes the importance of making money, because if it were up to me, I would volunteer all the time and starve to death. I would literally give away all my money, or spend them on care packages for SA (It is KILLING me not having an adopted soldier right now, it's really hard), and rescuing homeless animals etc, etc. I need someone who is aware of the fact that it is, in fact necessary to have a real job that makes real money and make sure that the aforementioned real money gets spent on things like housing and food before taking care of others. I need that, I really do.
However, the biggest problem Ranger Man is having with the "m" word (I'm so sick of it, I don't even want to give it a name right now.... maybe we'll call it "That societal institution which shall not be named," is that until I came along, he was quite content with his bachelor status, and had no desire to change that. His idea of a productive and successful life was a Ferrari collection, while mine is having a family. You see the competing values structures?
Is there a solution? I'm absolutely certain there is. (and I hate to say this, but I'm also relatively certain that it won't include any Ferraris). But I'm also certain that not being able to talk about it face to face is impeding the process. Until he's done with Super Secret Army Land School he really can't afford to expend any brain power on much other than School, while I'm just hoping that school will start again for me next week and help me to not think about the fact that he seems to be choosing between me and cars.... No that's not what he's doing, but still!
In the meantime, what am I doing on this horrid long weekend with absolutely nothing to do? Knitting. Lots of knitting- socks for the man who literally does entire loads of laundry of nothing but socks. That sounds dangerous- that's a heckuva lot of socks. I told him to be careful, because socks in that quantity all thrown together and agitated in an environment such as the washing machine may just rise up and mutiny. I would if I were stuck in boots all day long. But he's getting more socks... and the saga of the hippie and the conspicuous consumer shall be continued.
I need someone who is focused on and realizes the importance of making money, because if it were up to me, I would volunteer all the time and starve to death. I would literally give away all my money, or spend them on care packages for SA (It is KILLING me not having an adopted soldier right now, it's really hard), and rescuing homeless animals etc, etc. I need someone who is aware of the fact that it is, in fact necessary to have a real job that makes real money and make sure that the aforementioned real money gets spent on things like housing and food before taking care of others. I need that, I really do.
However, the biggest problem Ranger Man is having with the "m" word (I'm so sick of it, I don't even want to give it a name right now.... maybe we'll call it "That societal institution which shall not be named," is that until I came along, he was quite content with his bachelor status, and had no desire to change that. His idea of a productive and successful life was a Ferrari collection, while mine is having a family. You see the competing values structures?
Is there a solution? I'm absolutely certain there is. (and I hate to say this, but I'm also relatively certain that it won't include any Ferraris). But I'm also certain that not being able to talk about it face to face is impeding the process. Until he's done with Super Secret Army Land School he really can't afford to expend any brain power on much other than School, while I'm just hoping that school will start again for me next week and help me to not think about the fact that he seems to be choosing between me and cars.... No that's not what he's doing, but still!
In the meantime, what am I doing on this horrid long weekend with absolutely nothing to do? Knitting. Lots of knitting- socks for the man who literally does entire loads of laundry of nothing but socks. That sounds dangerous- that's a heckuva lot of socks. I told him to be careful, because socks in that quantity all thrown together and agitated in an environment such as the washing machine may just rise up and mutiny. I would if I were stuck in boots all day long. But he's getting more socks... and the saga of the hippie and the conspicuous consumer shall be continued.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Socks!
I'm knitting my first pair. You'd think that three years worth of knitting would have produced some sort of socks, but what can I say, I'm a wimp and not so adventurous.
So anyway- I am knitting my first pair of socks- well, the first sock in the pair. Only one large screw up so far which led to the un-knitting of a couple rounds. Now I'm in a holding pattern while I wait for a certain someone to tell me just how long his size 10.5 feet are, and he is not being very forthcoming with that information! Maybe one of the guys in class wears 10.5 s- would it be weird to ask them to measure their feet for me? Probably.
So anyway- I am knitting my first pair of socks- well, the first sock in the pair. Only one large screw up so far which led to the un-knitting of a couple rounds. Now I'm in a holding pattern while I wait for a certain someone to tell me just how long his size 10.5 feet are, and he is not being very forthcoming with that information! Maybe one of the guys in class wears 10.5 s- would it be weird to ask them to measure their feet for me? Probably.
A Collar?
We were talking about getting married (again...)
Is a wedding ring really a collar? "If found please return to..." were the exact words he used.
I don't think of it that way at all, I don't think- it's a symbolic connection. I look at my finger and there is a tangible sign of love and commitment, and I know that he can do the same.
No wonder the boy doesn't want to get married if he thinks of rings as collars. sheesh.
Is a wedding ring really a collar? "If found please return to..." were the exact words he used.
I don't think of it that way at all, I don't think- it's a symbolic connection. I look at my finger and there is a tangible sign of love and commitment, and I know that he can do the same.
No wonder the boy doesn't want to get married if he thinks of rings as collars. sheesh.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Kenya- an explanation?
So is it possible to have free and fair elections in Africa? I think Ghana has proven that free and fair elections and steps toward a consolidated democracy are possible, and until recently, Kenya would have been grouped into a similar category. What makes Ghana different? Here's my analysis, as to why the 2000 election in Ghana could easily have turned into the same situation but didn't.
(1). International encouragement and support. Not only was there monetary aid and international observers, but there was moral support as well, to encourage Rawlings to abide by term limits, etc. This encouragement I think was vital in setting a climate of peaceful change of power.
(2). Stronger Civil Society. Somehow, the civil society that encouraged Moi to return to a multiparty state and hold elections in 1992 has not carried through. There is no group in Kenya which holds enough legitimacy or trust of the people to legitmize elections or candidates or to encourage compromise or consensus. Ghana has a more vibrant civil society.
(3). And possibly most crucial. Ghana's politics - possibly because of differences in colonial rule and colonial independence - has never been as inextricably intertwined with ethnic and tribal affiliations as Kenya's. Add to this the fact that the NPP in Ghana made conscious efforts to appeal to broader constituency base than its Ashante reputation and there is a firm commitment to democracy. This has absolutely not occurred in Kenya, where politicians in elections have incited ethnic violence as a way to solidify support.
This led to a veritable powder keg... And we know what has happened as a result. This is just my opinion and analysis, and obviously not that deep. References available upon request for the factual bits.
(1). International encouragement and support. Not only was there monetary aid and international observers, but there was moral support as well, to encourage Rawlings to abide by term limits, etc. This encouragement I think was vital in setting a climate of peaceful change of power.
(2). Stronger Civil Society. Somehow, the civil society that encouraged Moi to return to a multiparty state and hold elections in 1992 has not carried through. There is no group in Kenya which holds enough legitimacy or trust of the people to legitmize elections or candidates or to encourage compromise or consensus. Ghana has a more vibrant civil society.
(3). And possibly most crucial. Ghana's politics - possibly because of differences in colonial rule and colonial independence - has never been as inextricably intertwined with ethnic and tribal affiliations as Kenya's. Add to this the fact that the NPP in Ghana made conscious efforts to appeal to broader constituency base than its Ashante reputation and there is a firm commitment to democracy. This has absolutely not occurred in Kenya, where politicians in elections have incited ethnic violence as a way to solidify support.
This led to a veritable powder keg... And we know what has happened as a result. This is just my opinion and analysis, and obviously not that deep. References available upon request for the factual bits.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Post-Separation Funk
I think I was all right, just after he left because I jumped right back into school and kept moving.
Apparently, I stopped moving a couple days ago because 'the funk' has set in... It's that awful feeling just after he leaves... When all I really want is him back again, and everywhere I turn there's something that reminds me he's not here.
Usually, I like going to school with Active Duty military people- how many people get to take a counterinsurgency theory class with an SF officer? The problem is that sometimes, hearing the guy talk makes me want to smack them! Like last night, when they were talking about what it is going to be like to have to go back to 'work,' (now school is their work), and one of them said he thought it was going to be harder on his family. He wasn't talking about being deployed, he was talking about having to go to PT in the morning. I wanted to say something about the resiliency of the milspouse... and how he's probably put her through much worse than having to go through PT in the morning, but I kept my mouth shut. Similarly to the other day when a bunch of them were talking about how 'hard it is' to be at home all the time- trying to do their school work and take care of their kids... yeah, because that's not what their wives do ALL THE TIME.
There are some times that I really wish I didn't have to hear the 'one of the guys' talks. It didn't help my funk.
Apparently, I stopped moving a couple days ago because 'the funk' has set in... It's that awful feeling just after he leaves... When all I really want is him back again, and everywhere I turn there's something that reminds me he's not here.
Usually, I like going to school with Active Duty military people- how many people get to take a counterinsurgency theory class with an SF officer? The problem is that sometimes, hearing the guy talk makes me want to smack them! Like last night, when they were talking about what it is going to be like to have to go back to 'work,' (now school is their work), and one of them said he thought it was going to be harder on his family. He wasn't talking about being deployed, he was talking about having to go to PT in the morning. I wanted to say something about the resiliency of the milspouse... and how he's probably put her through much worse than having to go through PT in the morning, but I kept my mouth shut. Similarly to the other day when a bunch of them were talking about how 'hard it is' to be at home all the time- trying to do their school work and take care of their kids... yeah, because that's not what their wives do ALL THE TIME.
There are some times that I really wish I didn't have to hear the 'one of the guys' talks. It didn't help my funk.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Crap.
The talks failed- Kenya's opposition (which is a little simplistic; Kenya is not a two party system...) are officially resuming their protests.
There's a bit to this story- there's no simple us against them rhetoric in a country with over 40 ethnic groups, and it's not merely an issue of vote rigging and tampering with the electoral process. There is some good information here about the situation, from Kenyan, not international sources.
I think both sides have been flinging the genocide accusation back and forth- and the International community has of course been denying it. Without going into too much detail about my own theories of recognizing genocide- basically it's too soon to tell. And unfortunately, it would be a completely different kind of genocide than we're used to (as they all are...), so that would lengthen the recognition process as well. I doubt it's happening now, but I don't doubt that it could quickly devolve into exactly that given a little encouragement.
yuck.
There's a bit to this story- there's no simple us against them rhetoric in a country with over 40 ethnic groups, and it's not merely an issue of vote rigging and tampering with the electoral process. There is some good information here about the situation, from Kenyan, not international sources.
I think both sides have been flinging the genocide accusation back and forth- and the International community has of course been denying it. Without going into too much detail about my own theories of recognizing genocide- basically it's too soon to tell. And unfortunately, it would be a completely different kind of genocide than we're used to (as they all are...), so that would lengthen the recognition process as well. I doubt it's happening now, but I don't doubt that it could quickly devolve into exactly that given a little encouragement.
yuck.
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