Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Why I love TDYs
I forgot my Cell Phone at work today. It's not attached at my hip and I'm not freaking out because I don't have it. If he were gone gone, I would not be this laissez-faire about my cell phone. I love it!
Adjusting to the South Part 3
I'm going to have to get used to feeling like a lunatic for driving towards the lightning to get home from work at night...
Really, I feel like one of those storm chasers.
Really, I feel like one of those storm chasers.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Clarification
d.a.r. brought up an interesting issue in a comment that I'd like to clarify a bit here:
Maybe I am coming from a different background because of the special ops thing. But I know that there is a small group of guys that Ranger Man works with regularly, I know they know who I am- and therefore the wives at least have access to the knowledge that I'm not a flavor of the week. I don't expect to be acknowledged by the wives of guys in a different battalion, or by his officers' wives (he's an NCO), but I do expect that if we are at an event with a close-knit group of guys, that I will not be treated like the stripper he picked up the night before.
ESPECIALLY if, as in d.a.r.'s experience, they've seen me multiple times. We just got to here to this post, and Ranger Man just left, so I've not had this same experience. But as far as I'm concerned, if a girlfriend is making the effort to go to FRG meetings and show up at events, consistently, then 'real' spouses have no excuse to delineate between the themselves and the girlfriend. At that point, it is OBVIOUS that she's not the stripper/hooker/whatever flavor of the month and they should treat her according to the effort you put forth and the showing she makes of herself in the same lifestyle they are leading. Period.
I understand that the Army doesn't care if I exist or not, but if I am on an NOK list and I am showing up to FRG events consistently, 'real' spouses are only playing elitist if they choose not to recognize my status. period.
I would say that, to some extent, although probably not as much- this should be true of online communities as well. Isn't it interesting that it does seem that experience shows it is easier to be accepted (somewhat, in sort of a junior member status) into online spouse support forums, etc as a girlfriend when, in reality, if the transience of the situation is going to show up in a drastic way at all it's going to show up online where there's much less effort that goes into typing a forum post. I'm talking as opposed to actually showing up to an FRG event. I mean, I assume... seeing as how I've never been able to even get an invite to an event so I could be off base.
Again, I'd like to mention that I've not had these experiences (real, organized FRG experiences). Thankfully. Then again, I know nothing about my FRG here. ha. (bitter and cynical much? yes.)
Wait, wait... I do have something. I was invited to hang out with one couple. By the soldier. His wife never talked to me. We spent several hours together and the wife never talked to me, but the husband made sure to invite me to hang out with them while Ranger Man is gone, both to me in person and to Ranger Man himself again several days later.
So I think that poses an interesting question. Personally, I would never think of accepting an invitation (especially such an open one) made by the servicemember-husband, when there was no such welcome by the spouse. Maybe even if there was a welcome from the spouse, it just feels weird calling the dude and saying "hey, I know you said I could come over if I got too stir-crazy, can I take you up on that offer?" And then what would I say to the wife when I got there, "Um, I know that we didn't talk at all the other day but your husband said I could come hang out with you. I hope that's okay." right. that doesn't feel comfortable to me. Is that me overreacting?? Is that even normal to have such one-sided invitations?
Maybe I am coming from a different background because of the special ops thing. But I know that there is a small group of guys that Ranger Man works with regularly, I know they know who I am- and therefore the wives at least have access to the knowledge that I'm not a flavor of the week. I don't expect to be acknowledged by the wives of guys in a different battalion, or by his officers' wives (he's an NCO), but I do expect that if we are at an event with a close-knit group of guys, that I will not be treated like the stripper he picked up the night before.
ESPECIALLY if, as in d.a.r.'s experience, they've seen me multiple times. We just got to here to this post, and Ranger Man just left, so I've not had this same experience. But as far as I'm concerned, if a girlfriend is making the effort to go to FRG meetings and show up at events, consistently, then 'real' spouses have no excuse to delineate between the themselves and the girlfriend. At that point, it is OBVIOUS that she's not the stripper/hooker/whatever flavor of the month and they should treat her according to the effort you put forth and the showing she makes of herself in the same lifestyle they are leading. Period.
I understand that the Army doesn't care if I exist or not, but if I am on an NOK list and I am showing up to FRG events consistently, 'real' spouses are only playing elitist if they choose not to recognize my status. period.
I would say that, to some extent, although probably not as much- this should be true of online communities as well. Isn't it interesting that it does seem that experience shows it is easier to be accepted (somewhat, in sort of a junior member status) into online spouse support forums, etc as a girlfriend when, in reality, if the transience of the situation is going to show up in a drastic way at all it's going to show up online where there's much less effort that goes into typing a forum post. I'm talking as opposed to actually showing up to an FRG event. I mean, I assume... seeing as how I've never been able to even get an invite to an event so I could be off base.
Again, I'd like to mention that I've not had these experiences (real, organized FRG experiences). Thankfully. Then again, I know nothing about my FRG here. ha. (bitter and cynical much? yes.)
Wait, wait... I do have something. I was invited to hang out with one couple. By the soldier. His wife never talked to me. We spent several hours together and the wife never talked to me, but the husband made sure to invite me to hang out with them while Ranger Man is gone, both to me in person and to Ranger Man himself again several days later.
So I think that poses an interesting question. Personally, I would never think of accepting an invitation (especially such an open one) made by the servicemember-husband, when there was no such welcome by the spouse. Maybe even if there was a welcome from the spouse, it just feels weird calling the dude and saying "hey, I know you said I could come over if I got too stir-crazy, can I take you up on that offer?" And then what would I say to the wife when I got there, "Um, I know that we didn't talk at all the other day but your husband said I could come hang out with you. I hope that's okay." right. that doesn't feel comfortable to me. Is that me overreacting?? Is that even normal to have such one-sided invitations?
Monday, August 4, 2008
so timely
Wow... talk about timely.
I recently met a spouse. Not through Ranger Man- so someone who knew nothing about me or him or us... merely asked why I moved here (like everyone else in this city, it seems like) and I told the truth: "My boyfriend is in the Army." This is after she asked me where I was from originally.
The dripping-with-disdain response? "Oh, so... are you planning on getting married? Or just trying it out?" wtf? first of all, it's none of your dang business if you're going to use that tone. Second of all- um yeah. I moved ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY on a freaking whim- to 'try it out.' Right.
Okay, but on the same-ish note, I was thinking today... Wouldn't it make much more sense for all those spouses that think I either need to get married or get lost to encourage my non-spouse relationship? I'm doing all the same things as them, taking care of my soldier, but we're not getting BAH, I'm not taking up their precious appointments at the hospital, I'm not making their lines at the commissary longer... all of those resources that I'm not getting- now there's more for them. Shouldn't they be encouraging that? Shouldnt the Army be encouraging that rather than pushing us into a position where they'll be doling out more money and more resources?
All those spouses that have the marry or drop mentality should really think about how much they could gain by encouraging non-traditional (ie non-spouse) relationships.
oh yeah, and all that bragging about how well I was sleeping that I did yesterday. Well, let's just say I spoke too soon on that one. Last night wasn't good.
I recently met a spouse. Not through Ranger Man- so someone who knew nothing about me or him or us... merely asked why I moved here (like everyone else in this city, it seems like) and I told the truth: "My boyfriend is in the Army." This is after she asked me where I was from originally.
The dripping-with-disdain response? "Oh, so... are you planning on getting married? Or just trying it out?" wtf? first of all, it's none of your dang business if you're going to use that tone. Second of all- um yeah. I moved ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY on a freaking whim- to 'try it out.' Right.
Okay, but on the same-ish note, I was thinking today... Wouldn't it make much more sense for all those spouses that think I either need to get married or get lost to encourage my non-spouse relationship? I'm doing all the same things as them, taking care of my soldier, but we're not getting BAH, I'm not taking up their precious appointments at the hospital, I'm not making their lines at the commissary longer... all of those resources that I'm not getting- now there's more for them. Shouldn't they be encouraging that? Shouldnt the Army be encouraging that rather than pushing us into a position where they'll be doling out more money and more resources?
All those spouses that have the marry or drop mentality should really think about how much they could gain by encouraging non-traditional (ie non-spouse) relationships.
oh yeah, and all that bragging about how well I was sleeping that I did yesterday. Well, let's just say I spoke too soon on that one. Last night wasn't good.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
On the Virtues of the Webcam...
I am getting so spoiled during this TDY. Ranger Man is working normal hours (getting off at 6 every day? That's unheard of!), and he's staying in a room that has internet access.
This means that he and I can communicate via webcam rather than solely by email or phone. Holy moley does it make a difference to be able to see him! And, it's all voice-enabled too, so gone are the days of late night phone calls! yay!
But the true value of the webcam? It helps me sleep.
We all know that I'm a crazy insomniac that doesn't sleep worth a darn. I don't think before now Ranger Man had ever actually seen me sleep- he always falls asleep first and I am always waking him up in the morning when I have had enough of the trying to sleep bit, so I don't think he's ever actually seen me sleep.
But now... I think whoever invented the webcam should get some sort of award from the insomniac's guild or something because seriously- wow it helps so much!
I can do my thing, get ready for bed, and he's there. I can get into bed, lay down and relax and I don't have to do it by myself. He's there as I drift in and out and he will talk to me if I talk to him, but other than that he's just there, watching tv or something. It's very comforting and it's very centering. It's just enough that I have something to focus on so my mind doesn't race, and it's comforting to know that he's there (and awake!) in case I have a bad dream, but it's not stimulating enough to re-activate my mind, it just helps to slow everything down gradually.
So I'll do that for a while until I actually drift off for a while and then when I wake up I'll be groggy, say goodnight and turn off the light. It's amazing. I still don't sleep well, but it sure takes a lot of the dread out of the going to sleep part. And that is saying something. I love it!
This means that he and I can communicate via webcam rather than solely by email or phone. Holy moley does it make a difference to be able to see him! And, it's all voice-enabled too, so gone are the days of late night phone calls! yay!
But the true value of the webcam? It helps me sleep.
We all know that I'm a crazy insomniac that doesn't sleep worth a darn. I don't think before now Ranger Man had ever actually seen me sleep- he always falls asleep first and I am always waking him up in the morning when I have had enough of the trying to sleep bit, so I don't think he's ever actually seen me sleep.
But now... I think whoever invented the webcam should get some sort of award from the insomniac's guild or something because seriously- wow it helps so much!
I can do my thing, get ready for bed, and he's there. I can get into bed, lay down and relax and I don't have to do it by myself. He's there as I drift in and out and he will talk to me if I talk to him, but other than that he's just there, watching tv or something. It's very comforting and it's very centering. It's just enough that I have something to focus on so my mind doesn't race, and it's comforting to know that he's there (and awake!) in case I have a bad dream, but it's not stimulating enough to re-activate my mind, it just helps to slow everything down gradually.
So I'll do that for a while until I actually drift off for a while and then when I wake up I'll be groggy, say goodnight and turn off the light. It's amazing. I still don't sleep well, but it sure takes a lot of the dread out of the going to sleep part. And that is saying something. I love it!
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Hmm...
Okay. I was kind of avoiding it, but I guess I'll put in my two cents re: this post on Spousebuzz.
I (obviously) have strong opinions about this...
Yes, I am a girlfriend and I hate it. But, on the other hand, do I want to get married before Ranger Man is ready or for the wrong reasons? Absolutely not.
I think it is crap that what feels some days like the entire world telling me that because I'm not married I must be either a. crazy or b. some sort of dirty barracks whore.
Every day, multiple times a day, people ask me why in the world would I move to Georgia, of all places? And, not being a very good liar, I respond with the truth- that my boyfriend is in the Army and is stationed here. This is met with varying degrees of skepticism, disgust and other myriad reactions. I actually had someone that I work with tell me "for just a boyfriend? you're brave." Seriously? holy cow.
I do everything that wives do. I have moved across the country, I have rearranged my school schedule so I could be with him, I left my family behind to be with him. I wash his uniforms and I put up with the late night phone calls he gets from his privates. I do all of this - just like wives do, for the amazing compensation of 18 freaking days with him.
Oh, and I do it without the perks. I don't have health insurance, I can't shop at the commissary to save money, I don't have an FRG and I absolutely had to change my residency last month because no state is going to look the other way for a camp follower residing in their state illegally. So now I have to pay income tax (unlike the last 23 years of my life). I do it without certain knowledge that I will be notified in case of 'anything.' Oh, and Ranger Man doesn't get BAH and he's still paying our rent (what a guy).
I do it with full knowledge that everyone, including (especially?) my family doesn't even believe in my ability to make this decision and do what is best for me. I do it despite the sideways glances and the whispers. I do it despite the fact that while the adoring, militarized public showers appreciation on servicemembers and their families, that same militarized public looks upon me with disdain and suspicion and assumes that my experience is somehow fundamentally different because I don't have a marriage certificate. That somehow, I support Ranger Man less than wives do, and that somehow the separation is easier on me.
Why do I do it? For him of course, and for us. I love him, and I love the person that he helps me to be. I love that he lets me be weird and that it's okay that I know more about COIN operations than he does. I also love that I'm totally rubbing off on him and he's able to use some of my 'academic' knowledge on his current TDY.
That feels like the same old rant over and over again. But I think part of the problem, as a post on Loquita's blog suggests, isn't so much that the resources aren't available for non-married servicemember spouses (I just made up that term, and I think I like it). It's that there is an inherent assumption that we're somehow different.
I understand why the assumption is there. I understand the transient nature of being 'a girlfriend,' that either we get married or break up- but let's be honest. Isn't divorce prevalent in all sectors of today's society as well? Is it okay to assume that we're not going to make it as a couple, especially those of us that actively seek out spouse support information (like SpouseBuzz)?
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that is different about our relationship than any other military relationship is that we haven't had a wedding ceremony of any kind. We've done the deployment thing, we've done the PCS thing, we've done the TDY thing... what more do I have to do to be accepted as a spouse? Don't tell me that it's having kids. That's not true.
I'm not ranting against all spouses, nor all civilians. But I honestly can't say that my experience has even been any more half and half good reactions and bad reactions to my situation. There have been really wonderful spouses and there have been really horrible spouses. There have been really wonderful civilians and really horrible civilians. Shoot, even in my family there's probably a 50/50 split as far as saying nice things versus saying hurtful things about my choice to move to Georgia. Maybe that proportion wouldn't change- maybe just as many people would think that I shouldn't even marry him; I don't know that because I don't have a crystal ball. I do know that my experience as a military non-spouse (oh, I like that too) is looked down upon as being inferior to that as a bonafide milspouse at least half the time.
I don't have a solution. Yes, obviously getting married would be one, but like I mentioned, I'm not willing to do that until he's ready to do that, and we're thinking that perhaps we should spend more than 18 days together first. Do I understand the perspective of those that, from experience, treat me the way they do? Yes. I don't appreciate it or justify it, but I do understand it and I know that they're probably dealing with things that are a lot more important than the way their words and actions make a lowly girlfriend feel. That's okay.
Why do spouse-support organizations exclude us? I understand that transience and the verification and the suspicion. I understand it, but I don't think that justifies it. I do just as much as I am able for Ranger Man, but I am not afforded any actual status, or any even recognition of what I do. I don't think there should be separate places for military non-spouses to congregate and commiserate because that would perpetuate the stereotypes and the divisions.
I don't think that it is right for any institution to force marriage, and the Armed Forces are probably even more influential than churches in doing just that. Perhaps, spousal support organizations could be influential in fostering an environment of inclusion and true support that could help younger couples in making the decision to marry before it actually happens, rather than reinforcing the message that the only way for a non-spouse to exist is to become a bonafide spouse.
I (obviously) have strong opinions about this...
Yes, I am a girlfriend and I hate it. But, on the other hand, do I want to get married before Ranger Man is ready or for the wrong reasons? Absolutely not.
I think it is crap that what feels some days like the entire world telling me that because I'm not married I must be either a. crazy or b. some sort of dirty barracks whore.
Every day, multiple times a day, people ask me why in the world would I move to Georgia, of all places? And, not being a very good liar, I respond with the truth- that my boyfriend is in the Army and is stationed here. This is met with varying degrees of skepticism, disgust and other myriad reactions. I actually had someone that I work with tell me "for just a boyfriend? you're brave." Seriously? holy cow.
I do everything that wives do. I have moved across the country, I have rearranged my school schedule so I could be with him, I left my family behind to be with him. I wash his uniforms and I put up with the late night phone calls he gets from his privates. I do all of this - just like wives do, for the amazing compensation of 18 freaking days with him.
Oh, and I do it without the perks. I don't have health insurance, I can't shop at the commissary to save money, I don't have an FRG and I absolutely had to change my residency last month because no state is going to look the other way for a camp follower residing in their state illegally. So now I have to pay income tax (unlike the last 23 years of my life). I do it without certain knowledge that I will be notified in case of 'anything.' Oh, and Ranger Man doesn't get BAH and he's still paying our rent (what a guy).
I do it with full knowledge that everyone, including (especially?) my family doesn't even believe in my ability to make this decision and do what is best for me. I do it despite the sideways glances and the whispers. I do it despite the fact that while the adoring, militarized public showers appreciation on servicemembers and their families, that same militarized public looks upon me with disdain and suspicion and assumes that my experience is somehow fundamentally different because I don't have a marriage certificate. That somehow, I support Ranger Man less than wives do, and that somehow the separation is easier on me.
Why do I do it? For him of course, and for us. I love him, and I love the person that he helps me to be. I love that he lets me be weird and that it's okay that I know more about COIN operations than he does. I also love that I'm totally rubbing off on him and he's able to use some of my 'academic' knowledge on his current TDY.
That feels like the same old rant over and over again. But I think part of the problem, as a post on Loquita's blog suggests, isn't so much that the resources aren't available for non-married servicemember spouses (I just made up that term, and I think I like it). It's that there is an inherent assumption that we're somehow different.
I understand why the assumption is there. I understand the transient nature of being 'a girlfriend,' that either we get married or break up- but let's be honest. Isn't divorce prevalent in all sectors of today's society as well? Is it okay to assume that we're not going to make it as a couple, especially those of us that actively seek out spouse support information (like SpouseBuzz)?
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that is different about our relationship than any other military relationship is that we haven't had a wedding ceremony of any kind. We've done the deployment thing, we've done the PCS thing, we've done the TDY thing... what more do I have to do to be accepted as a spouse? Don't tell me that it's having kids. That's not true.
I'm not ranting against all spouses, nor all civilians. But I honestly can't say that my experience has even been any more half and half good reactions and bad reactions to my situation. There have been really wonderful spouses and there have been really horrible spouses. There have been really wonderful civilians and really horrible civilians. Shoot, even in my family there's probably a 50/50 split as far as saying nice things versus saying hurtful things about my choice to move to Georgia. Maybe that proportion wouldn't change- maybe just as many people would think that I shouldn't even marry him; I don't know that because I don't have a crystal ball. I do know that my experience as a military non-spouse (oh, I like that too) is looked down upon as being inferior to that as a bonafide milspouse at least half the time.
I don't have a solution. Yes, obviously getting married would be one, but like I mentioned, I'm not willing to do that until he's ready to do that, and we're thinking that perhaps we should spend more than 18 days together first. Do I understand the perspective of those that, from experience, treat me the way they do? Yes. I don't appreciate it or justify it, but I do understand it and I know that they're probably dealing with things that are a lot more important than the way their words and actions make a lowly girlfriend feel. That's okay.
Why do spouse-support organizations exclude us? I understand that transience and the verification and the suspicion. I understand it, but I don't think that justifies it. I do just as much as I am able for Ranger Man, but I am not afforded any actual status, or any even recognition of what I do. I don't think there should be separate places for military non-spouses to congregate and commiserate because that would perpetuate the stereotypes and the divisions.
I don't think that it is right for any institution to force marriage, and the Armed Forces are probably even more influential than churches in doing just that. Perhaps, spousal support organizations could be influential in fostering an environment of inclusion and true support that could help younger couples in making the decision to marry before it actually happens, rather than reinforcing the message that the only way for a non-spouse to exist is to become a bonafide spouse.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Official
I am officially a Georgia resident. I've got a new driver's license and license plates to go on my car.
Adjusting to the South difference for the day:
I've alway said (and heard) that you 'get' grades. For example, "I got an A in World Civ." Here they say they 'made' a grade. I think that way makes more sense, but it sounds funny to my West Coast ears!
Adjusting to the South difference for the day:
I've alway said (and heard) that you 'get' grades. For example, "I got an A in World Civ." Here they say they 'made' a grade. I think that way makes more sense, but it sounds funny to my West Coast ears!
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