Home is ... ?

Ranger Man is wonderful, and being able to see him again has been, of course, lovely. And he bought me some beautiful yarn, but what will forever mark Spring Break of '08 in my mind isn't any of that. Although I'm hoping, that with the bad stuff over, now we can get onto making good memories.

What images are seared in my brain?

It's more the lack- what was missing. It was the fact that my mom's favorite paring knife was nowhere to be found in the kitchen. The fact that my mom came to take my brother and Ranger Man and I to lunch and she waited outside in the driveway. That she had to ask me and bro how Dad was doing (neither of us played the game, we said we didn't know). It was going to lunch and leaving Dad behind, and eating a sit down meal at the table with no one in their correct seats. I sat where Dad usually sits, Bro sat where I usually do, Dad where Bro should and Ranger Man in the seat that should have been Mom's.

It was pretending that everything was okay when it wasn't, not at all. It was seeing my Grandmother and my pseudo-Grandmother who is even older than the biological one and has just moved into a 'home' and having to keep it all a secret from her. It was the knowledge that Grandma and I are the only ones that seem to be upset by all of this and my mom talking about 'her and my dad' in the present tense but knowing that there is no 'her and my dad' now.

I could go back there next weekend. Ranger Man is at work, and so we're a couple hours away from my family home. I could go back next weekend before my plane leaves, but I just don't know if I can stand the emptiness. I know it's mostly me that's constructing the empty. But does that make it less real? Does the fact that only I feel it make it less of a reality for me? We'll see what the rest of the week brings. This is the problem that I've felt troughout this experience, that I don't have a home anymore. The place that is supposed to always be there and always be a safe haven for me no longer exists.

So now, I guess the task is to start making a new home, in Georgia.

Eeeww

Note to Self:

Perhaps the combination of the pink-mini skirt and the pigtail braids is a bad idea. Do not repeat this combination.

I just got a phone number. ew. From a seriously old man named George. I'm sitting here in Starbucks and this old man keeps trying to talk to me while I thought I made it obvious I was trying to ignore him, when the next thing I know, he's dropping off his phone number, in case I want to "go out sometime." right. gross. no more braids for me. yuck.

Spring Break!

Ugh, can you tell that my internet situation is wonky again? Few and far between posting, but such good news!

First of all... Hello Darling. Ranger Man is back where he can read blogs now (i.e, they are no longer blocked on pertinent computers), and he's been checking up on me. Well, on him as he says he's only reading the ones that are tagged with him... which seems slightly backwards to me as he already knows about him, but oh well.

I officially have plane tickets now, which I am considering both a really good thing and a really bad thing. I am very ready to spend some time not on this Island, but I don't know if I'm ready to see my parents yet, which I will be doing. We're going to spend the weekends, at least the first one, with my dad (cause he's got Webster), so I guess I'm plunging in head first. My mom, on the other hand hasn't spoken to me in about three weeks, so who knows if she even knows whether I'm going to be in town. And seeing as how she hasn't spoken to me in three weeks (read, her not speaking to me, not the other way around...) I'm not sure if I really care.

Ranger Man is still waiting for orders, but we know it's going to be Georgia. And we're playing the hurry up and wait game. Which is okay for the next two weeks, right? It's going to be weird being together with him while he has to work. I don't think we've ever done that before - our relationship is really weird, timeline-wise.

So perhaps there will be more blogging in the next couple weeks, but more likely there will be less. We'll see. Either way, I am getting more and more excited about Spring Break! yay!

Oh yes!

That's right,

Okay, the latest and greatest about Georgia. Georgia it is, for sure. Ranger Man doesn't yet have official orders, but he is authorized to start clearing the post he's at right now, so he can start doing that on Monday! I still don't know where I'm going for Spring Break, but that's okay. For the first time today, I really started getting excited about this.

This kind of feels like the 'official' start to us being a real 'us.' I am not sure how to describe it any better than that, but moving to Georgia is going to mean moving to our house, to our life together, instead of these two lives that we lead now that happen to intertwine. Moving to Georgia feels like 'real life' to me, as opposed to whatever it is I'm doing right now which just seems like a really hazy bad cloudy dream.

So I am starting to get excited again. although I hear there are bugs in GA, and I really don't like bugs. Since Ranger Man is going to be there first, I told him his job is to de-buggify wherever we are living before I get there.

Green Yarn is Good.

Paca-Peds Green Gator
Originally uploaded by kate_jolene

Okay, I love green. My room at my parents' (dad's now I guess) house has green walls, my favorite sheets have green and pink stripes... I am totally a green fan. I should be, my first apartment was a 1970s nightmare, complete with shag grass green carpet (literally, there were spring days when my carpet EXACTLY matched the grass outside), and green countertops and green linoleum floors in the kitchen and bathroom, it was ghastly. And actually, that was when my love of green kind of started, maybe it's some sort of compensation thing, where I was surrounded by awful green for so long, that now I really want nice greens.

At any rate, the problem is this: I can't actually wear green clothes. I have blue eyes, and greens near my eyes make them turn funny colors, so I am kind of stuck wearing blues etc. But I love greens. So I figure... why can't I use green yarn and make socks? That's no where near my eyes, it shouldn't be a problem, right?

Enter The Loopy Ewe. yay. This is from the Alpaca Yarn Company, it is a skein of Paca-Peds and is in the Green Gator Colorway. I am very, very excited.

I may not make the socks for me, they may be for someone else, I haven't decided that yet. For now I have some beautiful yarn.

btw- thank you to Joan for the green post idea.

**Can you tell that I'm procrastinating from doing school work... bleh! Perhaps later this weekend I'll actually put something a little more substantial here, but for now, my green yarn is providing happiness for me, and lately I will take happiness where I can get it. I may blog later about Ranger Man's experience with yarn lately (which solidified his status as the best boyfriend ever), but I really have to do a lot of reading about Algeria first.**

Karma

I knew that it was just too good that Ranger Man and I were able to spend so many of the 'major' holidays together, and that really it all worked out so smoothly... Now I'm kind of terrified that all of that is going to come crashing down with a vengeance.

My Spring Break is in 2.5 weeks- that's not very long! And we have absolutely NO IDEA where he's going to be. I really, really, really don't want to have to stay here, and there's no way I'm going 'home' (ha!). ugh.

I'm still holding out that maybe they won't make him go to Georgia after all... but I know that's like 95% going to happen. So I'm hoping for the five percent. In the meantime, I'd really like to know where he's going to be in two and a half weeks. I am a plan, goal, organizational type of person. I don't always need to follow that plan, but I at the very least need to have one in order to not go completely batty. Normally, there's enough leeway that it's not that big of a deal, in fact, it I was back waiting for him at 'home' it probably wouldn't be that big of a deal that he "might be" getting orders by friday... But the fact that I so desperately need to get off of this Island and just have someone give me a hug? I just don't feel like that's real until I've got the plane tickets, and I don't think they let you get plane tickets until you know where you want to go. grr, I knew Karma was going to catch up with us.

I just keep telling myself, it could be worse, it could be worse (deployment, for one). That really, I know I'll most likely be going somewhere, I just don't know where yet- but oh. my. gosh. Really, knowing would be good.

AAR- Me'n'Jose

I did it to help me sleep... and I guess it kind of worked, although not nearly as well as I was hoping for. I really need to start sleeping for longer that two hours at a time. Really.

And then, as if in punishment for indulging last night- today was back to craptastic suckiness (I should put that in my thesis- then they really could have me on not being able to write...). I'm not going to blog about it right now though. Suffice it to say that today was yucky and hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I think I might take myself out to dinner tomorrow. Probably just a hamburger or something, but I really need to eat some real food- vegetables are great, but one cannot live on potatoes and green beans and carrots alone, no matter how much one's pocket book would like to do so. Plus, it's that time of the month where I have cravings for hamburgers and milkshakes. Seriously- I actually think that two nights ago the last thing I thought about before I fell asleep was "mmm... hamburger..." which is strange, because most of the time, I am not a fast food person, and on top of that I'm practically a vegetarian (yes, practically, have I mentioned I have food issues?).

And as for tomorrow? finishing up some reading for next week, and also knitting, since I don't seem do do much of that during the weekdays either. And phone calls, I have a phone call to my friend A. that I desperately need to make but have been avoiding, for no good reason.