Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Don't want to talk about it!

I'm tired of talking about it.

(warning: not happy, not upbeat and not positive. Probably not fit for public consumption, but I've got to get it out of my system)

Ranger Man is leaving again soon- and until he separates from the Army (in 2011), he won't be home for more than 6 weeks at a stretch. And let's face it- 6 weeks is extraordinarily optimistic.

Yes, I know he's getting deployed. I realize that. I don't know where he's going and I don't know how long he's going to be gone. I don't want to talk about it any more. I'm tired of people giving me 'the look'- you know, the combination pity/you must be crazy look? I'm tired of hearing him say "they give me enough body armor and weapons to take over a small country by myself" when people ask him if he's got what he needs, and I'm tired of the BS that he spews that he's just going to sit in front of a computer and write reports. Yeah hon- that's why you need a beard. right.

I'm tired of explaining that even when he does get back (whenever that may be), he's going back to Super-Secret-Army-Land again and then he's getting deployed again and then he's got more training etc etc. I don't want to talk about it. I'm tired of his mom using it as a guilt trip to try to get Ranger Man and his brother to spend more time together.

My coping mechanism is denial and avoidance. I just want to spend today like today and deal with later, later. I don't need to be reminded that I'm spending the next three years alone.

And to top it all off, I can't even knit anymore- too much knitting, typing and clutching books has led to a nasty carpal tunnel flare up and knitting makes my hands want to cry.

Oh, and my prof moved around the due dates for our winter interim class, so I have a ton of reading and writing to get done before Sunday- and we'll spend all day friday and saturday in the car (I get wicked bad carsick with any sort of reading), and tomorrow is supposed to be a family thing for New Years. I told them I don't know if I can go because I've already lost two days this week where I can work. So what am I doing this New Year's Eve? I'm all alone with a book about Verdun in WWI. awesome.

Worst. Holidays. Ever.

My earlier post was incorrect. I do want to talk about it.... I'll probably just edit the other one as to not clog up anybody's feed-reader with my ramblings and rantings. So starting now is actually a second post- but the "not suitable for public consumption" warning from above still applies.

While Ranger Man was at his last school (the one that was on post and he mostly got to come home on the weekends), one of the times that he left he made a comment that made me feel better.

He said "You know, I thought leaving you would get easier- that I would get used to it. But it doesn't."

That made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't the only one feeling my way through separation- even if it was only a work week at a time.

Most of the time, I get nothing. It's just... all of a sudden one day he's gone. Since he's still got stuff in his barracks room, I don't even see him pack- which makes it even more surreal that he's gone. Just... *poof* I'm dropping him off at the airport, or the ER, or what-have-you. And then it's just Webster and I. There's no change in emotions for him as he prepares to leave, there's no discussion of what it'll be like, or contingency plans, or heck even plans for whenever he gets back- just gone.

Of course it's not like that for me. I can't stop thinking about it. He gets to move upward and onward, but back home everything stands still where his clothes are still in the closet and his dishes will most likely still be in the sink. All I want is to be near him- to feel that he's still here and to know that I'm not alone yet. But in his mind, he's not gone, so no alternate course of action is needed. (here is where my denial comes in to play). He doesn't understand why I really need him to at the very least (when I'm not seeing him during the day because he's doing whatever with his parents and I'm stuck doing classwork which needs quiet and alone) be here in bed with me when I fall asleep. Soon enough I will have to do that by myself, but for now- is it too much to ask that he come to bed when I do?

I just want him to act like he cares that he's not going to be around. I don't want to be the only one that cares. I understand there's nothing we can do about it, and that it is the way it is, but why can't we make the most of it?

So I do want to talk about it- I just only want to talk about it with him, not people who don't have a clue- and I want to do it without the bravado and Ranger machismo. Every once in a while the human side of him overpowers the Ranger side of him, and this is one of those times that I am really missing the human side.

1 comment:

Cookie said...

Oh honey...