Crunch Time!

This is the last week- my last paper of this semester is due one week from Tuesday, so this is crunch time. I know I'm not nearly as ahead of schedule as I was last semester, but I'm not very panicky. I'm not sure if that is worrying me yet...

It's starting to get warm here. Well, warmer than it has been. I suppose it never really got cold here, even though it felt a bit chilly at times. I am still waiting to find out how much longer I have to stay here. I'm even trying to be patient about it! I was telling Ranger Man the other night- I have to know how much longer I'm going to be here so I know how much yarn I'm going to need! He thought that sounded silly, but really, I'm not going to have much to do, I'm going to be knitting, but if I'm leaving in a few weeks, I don't want to order yarn and then have to pay for shipping both here and back again... That would be silly, and I'm trying to be practical.

hehehe

I've got a raging relationship and I love Ranger Man so much... 

But I love that there's a cute guy making eyes across the library from me. 

I really need my boyfriend. 

AAR- PF Chang's

PF Chang's last night was really great. The staff and management were incredible- I really only interacted with the staff part, but our management at the Community Center was remarking all night about how wonderful of an event this was and how relaxed they were able to be. The food was lovely and the company was lovely- a truly great time. Thank you, PF Changs!

Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow night I am doing something I have never done before. I am going to the grand opening of a restaurant. PF Chang's is having a grand opening to benefit the place that I work, and so I get to go! It makes me feel like this small town hippie girl because it all sounds so fancy. I've been to a PF Chang's before, but in a mall! Not a big grand opening... But I think it's really exciting that they're doing this and supporting the local community, maybe that's normal but I've never encountered it before so I think it's really awesome. Plus, they have good food...

Yes!

Finally! My prospectus got approved- I can now shop around for faculty mentors to read my thesis!

I got the email in the library today, I almost squealed, It was so nice to hear something good...

On a completely unrelated note: I was planning on taking some pics of some mucho-pretty yarn and my latest finished socks, but alas, I am not precisely sure where my camera is at this moment. So... the pictures will have to wait.

Of All Things!

I know that I don't look very old...

I expect to be carded when I purchase legitimate alcoholic beverages.

I have even come to terms with being carded to get into a Rated R Movie (yes, it happened to me.)

But tonight... I almost got carded when trying to buy a Ginger Ale. GINGER ALE! that is about the most benign of all beverages... geesh. of all things... I'm 23! I can buy Ginger Ale if I want. It's perfectly legal.

Dead Week

It isn't actually Dead Week, and since in Grad school you don't actually have Final Exams, there isn't really an official Dead week anyway... But that's what this week feels like.

The last two weeks were insane, and the final papers and presentations start for me the week after next, so this week feels like dead week, but instead of cramming for exams, I'm doing my best to de-stress. Goodness knows I could use that. I started a new pair of socks, I'm thinking they should be for mother's day. Yesterday I spent all day sleeping.

It's funny how much difference three hours makes in a time zone... I miss talking to Ranger Man.

Off to the land of "Passive-Aggressiva"

I think that was from Grey's Anatomy, that quote.

Anyways, I guess I've embraced it, sort of. I wrote back to my mom, via email, and essentially told her that the games she's playing aren't necessary, and that at the end of the semester she's really helped to screw up, I don't have the time or energy to play them with her. I said it much nicer than that though.

I'm a little upset with myself for emailing her back rather than calling. But at the same time, honestly, it is the end of the semester and it's a little stressful around here. I don't know. Today, right now, I'm feeling really tired of the whole thing. Tomorrow I may be devastated again. Who knows?

I'm almost finished with a second draft of my prospectus. Hopefully this one is better- I really think it is. Although, I didn't see much wrong with the first one.... but I think this is more what he's looking for, so hopefully it'll work out. And then it'll be a matter of convincing two faculty members that they want to be readers/advisors for my thesis. I am so ready for this semester to be over with!

Making Lemonade.

Okay! I am determined to have a positive outlook today!

So, I find out yesterday... not only do we not get BAH, but also it would be detrimental to Ranger Man's career if we were to get married soon. That was not news I wanted to hear. But, I think that we have worked this all out and everything is going to be good.

Ranger Man spent this weekend looking at apartments (which I totally love, because now that he has a barracks room he could've blown off the apartment hunting, but he didn't). He thinks he's found a place he likes. yay! It won't be available until July.

BUT- (and I know you were expecting whining about having to stay here longer- gotcha!) this could be okay. My lease here isn't up until August anyways, so leaving in May didn't make much sense. Now, since I've done the legwork and it doesn't look like I'll be doing much besides one online class this summer, I may actually get to enjoy my tropical Island and get that wicked tan that I haven't had a chance to work on.

About the not being married thing... well, I wasn't too pleased about that. But, I also have no intention of sabotaging Ranger Man's career. So, while it looks like I'm moving to Georgia to spend most of the time alone while he's either deployed or away at Super Secret Army Land training, we have come up with a compromise. We're going to try it for a year. We don't exactly know how long the deployment cycles and training cycles are, so it may not be as bad as it could be. And, at the end of the year if it's too much apart, then we'll re-evaluate and make US a priority instead of the career. He's pleased with that because at that point he'll have gotten some of the coveted training he won't get if he is married, and I at least have something to look forward to in the future if it's too much alone time. So we'll see. And, more time by myself means more knitting time and more time to finish my thesis. ick.

See, lemonade. I'm pleased with myself.

Reason # 785 I hate being a girlfriend.

E-5s are not guaranteed the privilege of living off post if they're not married.

No BAH means... well, things just got a lot harder than they were yesterday.

Sigh. And my prospectus got shot down. Again.

warning- ranting

I'm really hoping that being able to leave after this semester is some sort of Karmic retribution for all the crappy things that have happened while I've been on this horrid little Island. It would work, it would be payback in full...
but damn, I don't know if I can keep rolling with the punches much longer. It feels like those punches are coming from a Gracie or something (and I am kind of upset that I'm making mma references)
My mom's decided to get snarky with me. I really don't want to get into all of it, but I feel like it's completely unfounded, not to mention she kind of gave up her bitchy rights when she ruined me life. Literally. My PhD hopes are officially over. Thanks mom.
I mean, I understand that I'm allowing myself to be this affected and so part of it is my problem and if I couldn't deal with this, then maybe it wasn't the right decision after all. I know that. That doesn't mean she has the right to be bitchy to me. In an email, no less. That does not give her the right to exacerbate the situation. I need some support, dammit!
I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I'm suppressing the desire to really hurt her, like she hurt me. I know exactly how to do it... but I know that would be bad. I have typed out what I really want to say to her, but I still think that it's counterproductive because all it's going to do is make her feel guilty for doing something she thinks is right, and I won't feel better, I'll just feel badly for making her feel badly. That doesn't accomplish anything. But if I continue in the not doing anything vein, then I've reinforced her arguments that I'm not talking to her. (hello, I did make overtures, she's the one that stopped talking to me, thankyouverymuch). so I'm waiting. and trying to not be so pissed off.

I could really use some confirmation about going to Georgia next month. At this point, if they take that away from me... things are going to get really ugly.

On a side note, I don't think I've ever sworn in this blog before, and I totally just blew that out of the water. Can you tell I'm angry? Ranger Man would be proud...

Holding my breath.

I'm almost afraid to put this in writing. I don't want to jinx it. But... I'm too excited not to.

I think I may have figured out a way to be done here on the Island after this semester. As in, less than a month away.

It's still a lot of classes to do via directed study/online... but oh my goodness, six weeks from now I could be sitting in the home that Ranger Man and I are going to share... of course, being realistic and realizing that such a home does not exist yet because he isn't in the right state yet... but we are so so close, and I can not wait to get off this awful Island.

Now I just have to figure out how to break my lease...

Curious.

Usually, when people describe me they use words like "patient" and "strong." Ranger Man wouldn't use any of those words. In fact, he treats me like I'm about to break - well, especially lately.

I was thinking about this the other day. There is such a disparity between the way the rest of the world sees me and the way he sees me. It's because he sees me more like I see me. I've never hid anything from him (well, except during his deployment, but that's different!), and especially through all of the stuff lately, he's been right there seeing (hearing) the good the bad and the ugly. And as a consequence, strong is not a word that he would ever use to describe me. On the other hand, the people that I go to school with and the people I work with have maybe noticed that I've been a bit quieter and more reserved, but they don't know that anything is going on. I let Ranger Man in on everything, and I just think that's interesting. I'm not sure that the thought has gotten any further developed than that. And I'm not sure how things are going to change once we don't have a phone relationship and can have an in person relationship. But I think the phenomenon is interesting. I tried to explain it to him, that I always get through everything, that it's not always pretty on my end, but that I always prevail and no one usually sees the not-pretty... it just seemed like an interesting phenomenon to me.

I still hate it.

I was kind of hoping that going home and seeing how it was working would make me feel better. That didn't work. I still hate it, and I'm still mad at my mom.

Ranger Man made an insightful comment, that she has no idea and doesn't realize how much she's hurt me and that's why she seems like she's acting to flippantly and insensitively to me. But I don't know that it's any of my business to be hurt. It certainly isn't my business to approve or disapprove, my business is purely adjusting and getting used to. So I keep my mouth shut and still don't really talk to her. Maybe that's the passive aggressive in me coming out, but I just don't see what good it will do to tell her that I think she's been really awful.

On the bright side, I think my subconscious is catching up with it, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. At first, I'd dream that they were still together, but my head would know that they weren't... and waking up meant that I had to go through it all over again. Now, I dream that I'm going through learning about it, telling people about it (which I haven't really done)... and I wake up gasping and feeling completely defeated. I'm sure there's a psychological significance in the fact that now I'm dreaming further along in the process, but it sure still sucks.

Why Ravelry Rocks.

I love ravelry. Not only is it awesome for learning about new patterns and yarns, but it is a great way to connect with people. I got some really great tips on the Ft. Benning area from some spouses there- I am so getting excited about this!

All Above the Belt.

Confession: I have one of the worst cases of herpes my doctors have ever seen. NO- not that kind of herpes! It's all "above the belt" as one of the docs so aptly termed it- but it means that I get cold sores with a vengeance. And after about 2-3 weeks of not having any (which is a very long span for me lately), I've had two since I've been back. I've been back three days. One of them I swear to goodness is Texas sized.

I feel better because this explains why I've been so exhausted the past few days- my immune system is working overtime and essentially I may as well have a cold for as hard as its working to fight these awful viruses.

This is one of the many times I miss health insurance... Most people that get normal cold sores on their lips or fever blisters wherever can just feel their outbreaks coming b the little tingling and apply an OTC ointment and bang! smaller lesion, shorter duration. I of course, having one continuously, am not able to utilize this method. I get to take the herpes medicine they advertise on tv- for that kind of herpes (which was mortifying when I was 15 years old and picking up that prescription at the pharmacy, let me tell you!). Last spring, I even got another prescription to take on top of the regular every day one, which made me sick to my stomach but sure made the lesions smaller and shorter. That prescription was fun because the doc was very careful and emphasized the fact that in no way was I to get pregnant while taking this pill. That if there was even a chance that I was pregnant I would have to talk to him and he would have to put me on some kind of national registry list thingy... (what, would I have a radioactive baby?) But NONE of these medicines are even close to inexpensive. Why are the STD medicines more expensive than the anti-depressants I was taking for my bad dreams? That never made sense to me...

Anyways- none of that matters now because I have nothing to impede the obviously overzealous virus and I feel that I am in serious danger of it taking over my entire face. Really. If there is a headline in the next week about a crazy woman who got ran over by a car walking to work in the morning because she couldn't see due to the insane amount of herpes covering her entire face... that would be me.

Okay, rant over. I need to go back to sleep now, because I am still exhausted...

Spring Break '08

The final lasting impression of Spring Break '08?

Ranger Man loves me and is an incredible man. It's late, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be a long, long day so I can't say that this is going to be long or detailed. But I need to get something out of my system or I'll never sleep tonight. Well, I may not sleep anyway but that's just normal not sleeping craziness.

Back to the topic at hand. I can admit it now, something that I was afraid to even mention before I left... Yes, I was hoping for (with a teeny bit of expectancy, but really truly mostly just hoping) a ring. I'll admit it now because it didn't happen, and I'm okay with the fact that my left hand is still bare and I am still 'just a girlfriend.'

I truly hate myself sometimes, all of my stupid little issues. And then there are the not so stupid ones that I'm not sure where the came from but they are there none the less. Like the fact that I absolutely DO NOT want to live with him before we're married. Obviously, this is a big difficulty seeing as how he's going to be living in Georgia, and not only do I not live there, but by the time I am able to leave here I am going to be extraordinarily broke and be absolutely unable to support myself for the first little bit. Not to mention the fact that I actually want to spend as much time as possible with the man who I love that I haven't seen very much lately. But the idea of living with him and being the live-in girlfriend makes me so uncomfortable. But I think we've come to a compromise and I'll leave writing about that to another night when my eyes aren't crossing while I'm typing.

So that's reason number one I'm lucky and have a goofy grin.

Reason number two is more simple, and yet so much harder to describe. I know he loves me every day. On the phone, through email... I know that he loves me. But at the same time, it just isn't the same as feeling it. It isn't the same as the wonderful feeling just being near him brings, and the phone or email just isn't as comforting.

And I got a hug. All through all this stuff with my parents, and all this crap with school, I hadn't had a hug from anyone. Believe me there were days when a hug would have helped. I'm actually kind of surprised I didn't burst into tears the moment he grabbed me in the airport, although I'm chalking that lack of tears up to lack of food and sleep and having to lug some very heavy bags around the airport and not having wheels. Perhaps I'll relate that story later too. Anyways, the point is that being around him and just being near and smelling what he smelled like- it makes a difference.

And it is making it so much harder to be here again without him.