Sunday, May 16, 2010

Am I completely insane?

It's late, and I should be in bed... but here are some things that have been on my mind lately. I don't think any of them are about knitting- so if you're not in this for the personal reflections, I would stop reading now.

1. What on earth is wrong with me that I'm only attracted to men in the military? I've gone out with several really nice, engaging and sweet civilians... with zippo chemistry. I'm talking about guys from several different industries, some of which can keep up with me in conversation and so far all of which put up with the knitting (huh. I did manage to talk about knittting). But I feel NO attraction to any of them. In fact, the idea of having to kiss them (again, in a couple cases) makes me feel like I want to vomit. Am I a military junkie? Worse... am I a townie?

2. I've been in a weird malaise state lately. Not sad or depressed, but just kind of aimless. I have aims that I know I should have- but haven't been able to be motivated to do anything... and then it hit me today- While I have personal things that are going on (work, thesis), I dont have any crazy deployment cycle to work around. Deployments have always been my time of get things done and self improvement and take care of myself... and now that Ranger Man is no longer deployed and we're no longer together, I can't even pretend that this is just like a deployment (ugh, writing this is making me tear up). Seriously, is there something wrong with me?

3. Yeah, the Naval Aviation Officer is great and I really like him, but I'm just not sure that he really likes me... and he's off on another TDY next week, so who knows what's happening with him.

4. It has to be possible to transition in to a civilian life, right? But what if I don't want to?

Or... is it that I'm just scared of something and won't let myself transition into civilian life? I know what it's like to go through constant TDY and deployments- I don't know what it's like to not have any of those. I don't know what it's like to not worry all the time, I don't know what it's like not to have the constant roller coaster of emotions. Gosh- it wasn't fun when I did it, why am I clinging to it? It's as though I can't feel anything unless there's a sense of urgency- somehow things are less real out here in the real world. As though, even though it was hard- it was real, and I knew how to do it. I don't know how to do anything with the criminal defense attorney, or the Software Sales Guy, or the executive recruiter, or the finance guy. Sidenote- I thought for sure the attorney would work. He spends his time in jail, that's got to be good for something, right? nope. nothing.

Also- at what point does it turn into me leading these other guys on? I go out with them, I enjoy talking to them but feel no spark... how many dates is acceptable to try to manufacture sparkage? I feel that when they kiss me and I want to vomit, that's a good sign that it's never going to happen- but what if they don't? Software guy is very entertaining and I very much like hanging out with him- our next date will be #3... will he try to lock lips then? can I stall him longer to try to want to kiss him?

Oh, and Webster seems to have flip-flopped on the boy issue and now seems to like them all. He's no help at all.

And it's not like this is something I'm obsessing over. I'm living my life, I'm doing my own thing- but gosh, some days (i.e. today), I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. Most of the time I go to work, go to dance, knit, sew, cuddle with my one true love (the one with lots of fur) and don't worry about it. Most of the time I know that I am awesome and that everything will work out. Unfortunately, this is not one of those days.

On the bright side, I made a sweater for my phone. Once I can figure out how to photograph this (how do I take a picture of my phone when my phone is what I'm using to take pictures?), pictures will be posted. Having a sweater-clad iPhone makes me insanely happy.

I'll try to post something happier and more upbeat tomorrow. For now, I needed to get this off my chest...

1 comment:

Cookie said...

It takes longer that you might think to adjust to a new life. Don't rush it or force yourself to change too quickly. You'll get there when you get there and that's the way it should be. You are fabulous and if military is your type, fine. Maybe your taste in men will change with time.