Dare I start Hoping Again?

Christmas. I may get to spend my first Christmas (and birthday) with Ranger Man. Supposedly, his leave form has been approved and his plane tickets purchased... Last weekend was so beautiful, it was so nice to be with him, that I am terrified to get my hopes up- the Army does like to play little jokes on people you know, or change their mind...

I love Christmas. I think it may have something to do with the fat that my birthday is the day before... so I have been ind of forced into the rold of Christmas nerd all my life, but it is a role I do so enjoy. I love the smells and the tastes of Christmas, I love how everyone is happy to see people that they might not normally be happy to see. I'm not particularly looking forward to doing all of this on the Island... but having Ranger Man here, that might help. A lot. I am just afraid to be excited about it.

On another note... yesterday he was filling out some sort of form while he was on the phone with me. And the "Marital Status" box was there... I told him that he was very single. He didn't quite understand... and then it occurred to me why it is much more important to me to get married sooner rather than later, and why he has the luxury of time.

For him, all that will change is that his paycheck will get bigger (and probably he will simultaneously have more thins to spend that paycheck on, but that's another story). But other than that, there are no tangible benefits for him... He will have health insurance whether we are married or not. He will always know where I am, married or not and will always have access to people that know where I am, married or not. He doesn't get a little card identifying him as being married. He can go to the commissary whether we are married or not. I know that all of those things shouldn't matter. I know that in the long run they don't (well... knock on wood with the health insurance thing), and truthfully, until his next deployment, it doesn't matter to me. But what happens then? What happens when I finally don't have to be on this Island anymore... my parents have kicked me out of the house- I literally have no place to go. Oh wait, they did say I could stay in the travel trailer. In the winter. In Washington. Right. I think because my life is so unstable and uncertain right now... it does mean more to me. I recognize that it is because of the fact that I am homeless, etc... and that all of those do not a reason to get married make... but it is always comforting to at least know the source of your issues.

Trying to catch my breath.

Wow. So this whole not having the internet at my house thing really blows. And I don't think that I've ever used that phrase before, but I did choose to use it now to try to emphasize the new levels of suckiness...

It's one thing to be completely isolated on this Island and not know anyone... it's quite another thing to have someone rip out your connection to the rest of the civilized world. It's almost as though the internet was some sort of a security blanket, and even though I was all by myself, I could still be connected to that part of the world that still felt 'normal' to me. I could read the news online- in whatever language I picked. I could read blogs of people who were going through things like me, and even things worse than me (i.e. deployments) and keep things in perspective. I could check my email and send emails whenever I wanted. I could blog when something was bothering me. I could even watch tv on my computer when I needed a break from the History of Genocide or whatever it was that I might need a break from. I can do none of that any more. I am completely isolated.

On the bright side I am getting a ton of knitting done, and getting quite the work out as I have to load my backpack up with books to bring them to the library where I can get wireless access. It's a good thing this happened on the heels of an amazing weekend... and that (please, please Army cooperate) it's less than a month until ten more days of bliss. I'm also not a fan of hyperboles like bliss... but seriously- good night's sleep. Not being afraid of rapists hanging out in my closet (the grown up version of monsters?)... and someone to massage my poor carpal tunnel hands whenever I want- I don't know that it gets too much more blissful than that!

Checking in...

Okay, so my internet connection will be sporadic at best for the next little bit... My illustrious roommates (whom I now OFFICIALLY do not like. not one bit.) decided last week, (during the last two weeks of my first semester of graduate school) to cancel our internet service. And not tell me. I got home last tuesday night... no router, no cable... just a note saying that the cable people would be by in a couple weeks to pick up the cable box. The boys of course are not home, and will not be home for another week or so- they did this all completely behind my back without talking to me at all. I am furious.

On a brighter note- I had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving weekend with Ranger Man. The bad dreams stopped the moment I got there... I finally got some sleep. And they started again as soon as I got back- which Ranger Man promptly points to as proof positive that we need to be sleeping together more often. I also got a nasty head cold... but other than that it was a wonderful weekend. We finally got to talk about "stuff" that he can't talk about over the phone, and he feels better and I feel better, and we're praying that the fates will align again over Christmas and we'll get to see each other again. It was so nice to be around him again...

1 more day.

I just have one more full day and one more full night before I can get into a car with someone I don't know to go to an airport I've only been in once as I was exiting a plane to go to a city I've never been to where I can wait for an hour or two after my plane arrives at midnight local time for Ranger Man to finish all his work for the weekend and drive to the airport when I'll finally get to see him. Is it worth it? Absolutely. I'm sure to a lot of people none of that is a big deal- but I'm not the best with new things/places/unpredictibility... so it's kind of a big thing for me, and I am so excited.

This weekend is great, there's no pressure, no strings, no expectations. It's not like we have to adjust perfectly to being around each other because I'm getting back on a plane on Sunday.We don't have to set up a routine or anything like that. All we have to do is be together and relax. The only reintegration issues are going to be us, not having seen each other in 80 days, and before that just for a weekend after his last deployment. I'm not saying that's going to be easy- nor is Christmas time when he has 10 days off, and we've never spent 10 consecutive days together before... but I'm certainly excited to try it and see what it's like!

Today means...

77 and 2.

The REAL countdown

We are officially at 74 and 5.
Days.
74 since I've seen Ranger Man and 5 until I get to see him again.

(wow that feels weird typing, like it's a OPSEC violation or something. Maybe I should check to make sure this isn't a classified movement).

What I learned today in Graduate School

Soldiers make better lovers.


No. Seriously. It was in my readings for today. Good Soldiers, specifically, not bad ones...
J. Glenn Gray's Warriors (I think that's the title) is a good book if you can handle some existentialism in your war reading. And he makes the point that any Army significant other will attest to...
I love it!