Thursday, September 13, 2007

Sleeping is Difficult

Bad dreams suck. I've had PTSD-type dreams my entire life... which I suppose as a statement would merit some explanation.

I've never had, like most people do, a defining moment or incident which has given me these dreams. They are about several different things, not just one thing and (thank God) usually nothing that has too much basis in reality. But, seriously, how does one motivate oneself to go to sleep if one knows that they will have to watch someone they know about die every night? Yes, I have some meds- but they don't actually stop the dreams, they just help me go to sleep initially and help me stay disassociated from what is going on in these depraved manifestations of the worst case scenarios. On the other hand, on the pills I'm not fully realizing the full extent of my dreams- what normally happens is something bad happens (think your younger brother dies in your arms and you can't help him), and then traditionally I start to exact some revenge on the perpetrators, which is when the real violence and gore begins. But on the meds, I'm not even following it through to the death part. The pre-death, where the cause of death occurs, is more vivid, but I don't have any sort of resolution, and without taking it out on the 'bad guys,' I don't get any sense of resolution, I only get the helpless feeling night after night after night. So I'm thinking about going off my meds... at least for a little while and see if I can break this cycle of dreams... because I hate it when I am afraid to go to sleep! I miss having Mr. Ranger Man around!

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