I went into deployment mode today. Ranger Man is not deployed. Weird.
He's been doing 'unit integrity' stuff lately, which means hanging out with 'the guys,' which of course means that he can't talk to his girlfriend, that's not Ranger ish enough. And now he's on a funeral detail. I know that is different than going to a baseball game or a bar but it doesn't feel different because he's still with 'the guys' which means he can't talk to his girlfriend...
I knew that I'd been relying on him too much recently, I know that I couldn't have gotten through the last few months without him. And the transition to not having him be as available (by phone!) isn't going so well, so I found myself totally in deployment mode today- he called before bed and he was at least trying to talk, but I just wasn't into it. I had talked to my mom today, I definitely had stuff to talk about... but I just didn't have my heart in it. I wasn't mad at him, I just didn't feel like talking about anything real.
I am not describing it well, I'm not sure how else to describe it. There's just a feeling that comes with deployment- it's definitely more of an alone, solitary feeling and I felt it today. It was weird.