Tuesday, November 13, 2007

What to Do?

Knowing that the love of my life has a dangerous job, where people periodically get some pretty good chances to shoot at him and his buddies... is it irresponsible of me to take the next year and stay away from him? I've always tried hard not to make plans as though something 'bad' were going to happen, but is that realistic, or is that just stupid? I mean, on the one hand- if I move to Georgia this summer and nothing happens to him and I'm now a bad risk for Ph.D programs so I can't get in anywhere... then will that be a bad decision? On the other hand, if he deploys this spring and doesn't come back... and I've only seen him for two weeks of the last six months because I'm pursuing my own selfish dreams, will that be a bad decision?
I know what the statistics look like if I quit this program now, even with the intention of 'going back to school' later- I know they look bad. I also know that I am pretty good at not fitting stereotypical, statistical type molds.
I know that Ranger Man's old job in the Army kept him pretty safe. He has told me that he "doesn't really know" what he'll be doing after he's done at Super-Secret School... I know that Rangers usually come home from deployments. But I also know that they don't always. I know that I hate being away from him, but I also know that I really want to finish my degree.
I've always kind of been against being that girl who rearranges her life for a guy. But I don't like being away from him.
So I don't know what to do. I don't have a place to live, either here after the end of December or, as I just found out, at home with my parents. How screwed up is that? They keep my cat, but if I want to come home, I have to sleep outside, in the travel trailer. In the winter. Not only that- but they first told me "sure, come on home..." didn't tell me until two days later that coming home and having a place to sleep at home were apparently two different things. wow. thanks guys. then I find out from one of my professors that dropping out of this program wil hurt my chances of getting into others. For two days, I was finally feeling better, because I thought I didn't have to stay here... and now I'm just confused. and hurt. and more confused.
I do not know what to do. Ranger Man says we'll figure it out over Thanksgiving. Only eight more days before I see him...

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