Just. Plain. Mean.

"Well, meet me at the Super-Secret-Army-Land Courthouse on Saturday and we'll just do it- we'll get married."

That's just mean. I dropped a little hint that the 2008 BAH rates had been released, and that's the response I got. (Note: Ranger Man currently does not get BAH... he's a barracks kind of a guy right now). Said Super-Secret-Army-Land Courthouse is on the other side of the Pacific Ocean from where I am right now... that's just mean. and to top it off, according to him, it's not mean, because it would only be mean if he was "completely joking" and so, by extension, he's not completely joking, so if I hopped on a plane this weekend... Mean. He knows very well that I am stuck on this Island because I can't afford to leave it.... Mean, Mean, Mean.

So I told him that, while I'm madly in love with him and all, I just don't like him very much right now because he's being mean. He thought that was rather humorous.

Christmas.

This will be the first Christmas Ranger Man and I have together- as a together. We were 'friends' last Christmas, but I was still convinced (unlike him, thank goodness he's persistent) that 'friends' was all we were ever going to be.

So this Christmas is our first, and by a minor miracle, we will be together (really together) for it. Mr. Scrooge himself even made a point yesterday that we had to have a tree of some sorts ("what else are we going to put presents under?"), which was a little unlike him.

It's also special because my birthday is Christmas Eve, so we'll be together for my birthday too- how cool is it to wake up on your birthday to see your guy?

We don't have any Christmas traditions, simply because we've never had a Christmas. And I doubt, that being on a tropical Island, this one will be anything close to typical. But at least we'll be together. Shoot, I don't even know where I'm going to be living (I haven't heard back from the place from yesterday, I'm thinking that's a bad sign)- I may very well be moving my books onto the beach somewhere... Do you think they have wireless internet at the beach? But at least he'll be there, and I'll be there, and I won't have to go through any of this alone anymore. Or at least, for nine days.

Home Stretch

I officially have rough drafts of all my papers done- one paper is actually done and turned in. One will be done and turned in Tomorrow, and then one more Tuesday and the last on Thursday.
I may have found a place to live that is about four hundred dollars per month cheaper than where I am right now (yes, you read that right, and yes, that is a lot of money).
Less than two weeks until Ranger Man is here...

Omaha.

I feel that while I certainly have nothing constructive or helpful in this tragedy- I do understand better than most that situation.

I was working at the Tacoma Mall in Tacoma, WA in November of 2005, when the "Tacoma Mall Shooting" occurred. Right around Thanksgiving time, a guy came into the mall, the wing with Santa to take pictures with and the Build-A-Bear shop mind you, and opened fire on a Sunday morning. I am thankful that I was in a different wing, but I will never forget what it's like to first of all have people come through your store saying there is a man with guns shooting people outside, and then to have the SWAT guys come into the store and tell everyone to get out (As a caveat, I will also not forget that they told us to keep working- they'd shut the big glass doors, cause that will keep out the AK rounds, and for customers to continue shopping).

I didn't know what was going on, exactly in the interim, but I did make sure to call my parents and my (at the time) boyfriend (who didn't bother to answer... good thing we're not together anymore!) and try to let them know that if they were watching tv I was okay...

I think what I remember most is the Emergency response people setting up triage points and then the big Mobile Command busses coming through. All the while just waiting, and not knowing.

We were lucky in Tacoma, our shooter didn't kill anyone. My heart goes out to those people in Omaha, and I am so sad for them.

Nametape.

I borrowed a book from Ranger Man (sidenote, how cool is it that he just happened to have a book lying around that I needed for one of my papers?!), so he sent it to me through the mail. Inside the pages of the book he placed one of his nametapes.

I'm not sure why that is the most precious thing that anyone has ever given me, I think it has something to do with the simplicity of the gesture and the knowledge that he did it with suc love, knowing that such a simple thing had the ability to give me such comfort. And it does. It is a tangible piece of him, one that can go with me everywhere and I can touch and feel and hold when he's not around to touch and feel and hold. I think it was a wonderful thing for him to give to me.

On the bright side (and also the stressful side)- this time next week I will officially be done with my first semester of grad school! eek!

Perspective

Last night I dreamed that the house was on fire. The house the Ranger Man and I lived in (which of course doesn't exist, there is no such house), at least I thought it was on fire. When I, in my dream, alerted Ranger Man to the fact that our house was on fire, he took appropriate actions to rectify the situation, which apparently entailed notifying his chain of command. When this was accomplished, and certain members of his chain of command showed up at this mythical house that Ranger Man and I shared, it turns out that I was mistaken, the house was not, in fact, on fire.

It was hard to be bummed out this morning when I woke up and the apartment building was still standing and had not burned to the ground. We had no power, thanks to some heavy winds all night long, but there was no fire, so I gained some perspective. I also told Ranger Man that it might be a good idea to double check me if I ever try to tell him the house is on fire.

Grump and Stuff.

There is so much- I'm not sure where to begin.

Truly, I hate it here, but at the same time, I have to at the very least try to make it through to August. Which means I have to get my butt in gear and find a new place to live. But that means that I truly have to stay, so every fiber of my being is resisting having a place to live. ugh.

I can't get excited about seeing Ranger man partly because I know that he's just going to leave again, and I'm going to be alone again. I know that is a really crappy attitude, but... I am so tired of being alone.

I know this is gloomy and grumpy- but honestly... I don't know how to be any other way right now. I should be thankful that Ihave a place to live until the end of the month, and that there are people who love me. I know that I am at graduate school, and I want to be at graduate school. What I don't know is if I can do this by myself.