Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Spring Break '08

The final lasting impression of Spring Break '08?

Ranger Man loves me and is an incredible man. It's late, I'm tired and tomorrow is going to be a long, long day so I can't say that this is going to be long or detailed. But I need to get something out of my system or I'll never sleep tonight. Well, I may not sleep anyway but that's just normal not sleeping craziness.

Back to the topic at hand. I can admit it now, something that I was afraid to even mention before I left... Yes, I was hoping for (with a teeny bit of expectancy, but really truly mostly just hoping) a ring. I'll admit it now because it didn't happen, and I'm okay with the fact that my left hand is still bare and I am still 'just a girlfriend.'

I truly hate myself sometimes, all of my stupid little issues. And then there are the not so stupid ones that I'm not sure where the came from but they are there none the less. Like the fact that I absolutely DO NOT want to live with him before we're married. Obviously, this is a big difficulty seeing as how he's going to be living in Georgia, and not only do I not live there, but by the time I am able to leave here I am going to be extraordinarily broke and be absolutely unable to support myself for the first little bit. Not to mention the fact that I actually want to spend as much time as possible with the man who I love that I haven't seen very much lately. But the idea of living with him and being the live-in girlfriend makes me so uncomfortable. But I think we've come to a compromise and I'll leave writing about that to another night when my eyes aren't crossing while I'm typing.

So that's reason number one I'm lucky and have a goofy grin.

Reason number two is more simple, and yet so much harder to describe. I know he loves me every day. On the phone, through email... I know that he loves me. But at the same time, it just isn't the same as feeling it. It isn't the same as the wonderful feeling just being near him brings, and the phone or email just isn't as comforting.

And I got a hug. All through all this stuff with my parents, and all this crap with school, I hadn't had a hug from anyone. Believe me there were days when a hug would have helped. I'm actually kind of surprised I didn't burst into tears the moment he grabbed me in the airport, although I'm chalking that lack of tears up to lack of food and sleep and having to lug some very heavy bags around the airport and not having wheels. Perhaps I'll relate that story later too. Anyways, the point is that being around him and just being near and smelling what he smelled like- it makes a difference.

And it is making it so much harder to be here again without him.

No comments: