Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Facebook again- the bane of my existence?

I've blogged about my struggles with Facebook. Here and here. The concept is difficult for me. This is another post about that, and about stupid High School drama. It's long and ranty. This is for me to write down and hopefully feel better about, dear Readers, so there's no knitting, very little mil-girlfriend content. Read at your own (boredom) risk.

I hated high school, with a passion. To the extent that I got out as soon as I could, which in my state meant that I could leave after my sophomore year and attend community college full time. I took this opportunity for the state to pay for my college and from that point on, I didn't take any more classes at my high school. One of the reasons- the primary reasons- for this was all of the awful high school politics and drama that accompanies teenage girlhood. I was sick of it. I was tired of the people that were supposedly my friends making me feel bad about myself, and I was tired of being one of the "mean girls." And yeah. I was. It was ugly.

So I left. And I was kind of ostracized by my 'friends.' I know, I know- if there were so bad that I wanted to leave, why would i still want to be friends with them? That was the conclusion I eventually came to, but it's taken me since high school to come to that conclusion. All I knew is that I could no longer get anyone to return my calls, and I whenever I did manage to get myself invited to an event I felt like a slut (the virgin slut is a truly malicious creation that exists purely for the entertainment of high school girls). But it hurt.

I also have trust issues. Reading this blog may make that apparent. Even before all this crap with my parents I have had problems trusting people. I don't know if it was this way before these girls treated me this way or not, but I know it has been since then.

But I grew up and I came to the conclusion that, after all, I could have tried harder to fit back in with them, whether I feel that should have been required or not. I came to the conclusion that not being constantly exposed to the high school harpies made me a better person and I was okay with it.

Enter Facebook. Holy crap do I hate facebook sometimes. It makes me deal with these unresolved issues.

And also- how did I still remain a gossip topic after not having talked to ANY of these girls (there were five of us in our group) for FIVE YEARS? get a life people!

Ranger Man and I happened to run into one of them the weekend before he deployed two summers ago. She and her husband (I think I may have introduced them, actually) were having dinner and so were Ranger Man and I. They gave me their phone numbers- but it was right before a deployment and leaving for grad school and I didn't want to introduce any more drama. So I didn't call them, but I felt bad because she made an effort, and after all- wasn't that what I said I wanted all those years? So I started it, and I sent her a message on Facebook. I opened Pandora's box.

She wrote back once or twice, but after that I didn't hear from her and it wasn't that big of a deal. No guilt on my end- it was okay. Then the parents situation happened and all of a sudden I was getting messages from another one of them, and then another (that's three of the four, for those that are keeping track). I suspected at the time it was because they heard about my parents. I suspect more strongly now, due to some of the things that have been said.

I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, I guess it's fantastic that they found out I was going through something and decided to reach out. On the other hand, when I broke off an engagement and moved back in with my parents (which apparently they all knew about?!), I heard nary a word. So far the ones I had heard from are the ones that it was easiest to justify. The ones that I personally had spent the least amount of time and energy on trying to contact and talk to and hang out with during high school. In short, the ones that I felt less personally slighted by. So I talk to them, because I think their hearts are in the right place, and I think that I feel appreciative for the support.

Today I got a message from the last of them. The one that actively wouldn't return my calls. The one that would say rude things about me to my face. The one that hurt me the most there at the end. Today. Not six months ago when I needed to know that people cared, today. And today I am feeling the hurt and the rage and the indignation all over again. (Yes, I hold grudges).

I don't really think I want to talk to her. She has an ability to make me feel badly about myself. She always has to be the best at everything (which means I am bad at everything by comparison), and I don't know that I need those feelings right now. I love my life, and I love where my life is going, but I know for a fact this person is the least likely to try to understand the lifestyle choices I've made. And misunderstanding in her book has always led to put-downs.

But maybe that's all in the past. It was what, eight years ago since sophomore year of high school? Maybe I'm being too harsh. Or maybe I've learned my lesson.

It is days like this that I really hate facebook.


loquita said...

Maybe this is over-simplifying... but I say just allow yourself to delete the message. Toxic people don't always de-toxify when they get older.

And I think I'm a whole lot like you, in that I hold grudges. Some of them just become permanent. If someone hurts me too deeply, they never get back in. This girl doesn't sound like she deserves one ounce of your time or energy.

I have no idea if this comment will help, or just annoy you... But I just wanted to let you know I am "out here" reading. *hugs*

PS - I so envy you the community college thing. I hated high school too. I begged my mom to say she was homeschooling me, and just let me teach myself.

KJ said...

Thanks, I feel so much more validated!

The problem that I am seeing is that the four of them are all talking, and I'm afraid to ignore the one and start some drama a la high school all over again.

I'm not doing anything right now, I'm not responding just yet. I may wait to actually take action until Ranger Man comes home.

Rebecca said...

I agree with Loqui, I think you should just ignore them and not respond to their messages anymore. Talking to them has just stirred up old feelings, and it sounds like your life had less drama when you weren't talking to them.

Cookie said...

Can I be the voice of middle-aged reason? ;^)

By the time we reach high school, we are the people are going to be for life. People do not change all that much in the course of a lifetime.

You will never stop holding your grudges. A good thing, btw. And they will never stop trying to use you for gossip. That's just the way it is.

Thankfully, this is not grade school and we do not have to be friends with everyone. Pick and chose who you share your life with, honey. You are an intelligent person and can make up your own mind. If you feel in your heart that it is not good for you to be in touch with some or all of those people, ignore them. Let them gossip about that.

You should not give them the power to hurt you again. Oh, and I'm just a little bitter. It's been 20-ish years and I still don't want anything to do with the folks I went to high school with.