... that I can't tell my parents (either one of them) how much they're hurting me?
I can tell them what is going on- the rest of the craptastic-ness that is my academic life right now, and while I'm telling them, I want to SCREAM at them that if I just knew that my home was still my home, at least I would have some sort of foundation from which to deal with the criticism and the humiliation that I am getting.
But I can't do that. It isn't my decision to make; it is theirs. This isn't their life that I am living; it is mine. So I can't decide which is worse: that I want to tell them but don't, or that I want to tell them at all.
My mom told me last weekend that she loved me and she thought about me all the time. I wanted to call her a liar. But I didn't. My dad said he'd call my mom... and that made me cry harder than all of the stuff I had to tell him about school- he shouldn't have to call her. They should be in one place. I feel like such a little kid- like I want to cross my arms and stamp my feet and scream until someone listens to me (and for the record, I am pretty sure I never did that as a small child).
So much for feeling like a human being. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.