Saturday, January 5, 2008

A Hope and A Dream.

I love him. I really do. I couldn't have gotten through the last four months without him, and I absolutely don't want to spend any more of my life without him.

Having said all that... sometimes I could wring his neck.

Is it weird that I am feeling slightly off about the idea that I'm planning on moving across the country to somewhere that I've never been to before where I don't know anyone... to be with a guy who, although he loves me very much... that's as much of a commitment as I can get out of him. Sometimes it seems like he wants to marry me.... but after nine great days- and one chastisement from his mother, he's not even comfortable with having the same cell phone plan as me; that's too much commitment. ack! So now... not only do I have this commitment-phobic man who just left me again to 'go back to work,' but he also now is going to "turn his phone off during the day" to cut back on cell phone minutes because apparently we talk too much and that's a bit of a burden. Apparently it doesn't matter that I am stuck on an ISLAND where I don't know ANYONE.... I'll just talk to myself. cool.

Seriously, I understand that as much as I'm not sure that I can go through another deployment as 'just a girlfriend,' that is of course tempered by the fact that I probably won't see him before his next deployment, so that is a severe logistical problem. I get all that. I also get that I don't want him to do something like that just because I want him to- it has to be his choice. I do understand all that. But I think at this point, that's not what I'm looking for or wanting. I want to know that I'm not about to rearrange my life for someone that isn't willing to commit to something as simple as a cell phone plan. Of course it's not the cell phone plan that's the issue, but it is a handy example. When we were talking about it... I said something to the effect of "that means you really can't leave me..." and I was JOKING... but he was very serious in his long face and his "yeah, that's what I was just thinking" response. Great. One week he's telling me that if I meet him at the Courthouse over the weekend we'll just do it and get married, and two weeks later, he doesn't want me in charge of his cell phone. and I'm supposed to not be confused? Is anyone else getting mixed signals? wtf?

Like I said.. I love him and I can't live without him... but my goodness. Sometimes he's way frustrating and makes me sad.

** I actually wrote this a couple nights ago, but I didn't post it, 'cause I wanted to talk to Himself about it first... didn't seem right to post it without his knowledge. So we talked, and then he read it (good order for that, by the way), tomorrow maybe I'll post what he wrote back to me, because it was amazing and made me feel SSOOO much better. However, he only gave me permission to post what I wrote, he didn't say anything about what he wrote, so I feel I am obligated to ask him first, and right now he's sleeping.

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