Saturday, January 19, 2008

I have a Confession.

Warning. This is really horrible. The easily offended should probably stop reading now.

This is a confession of a long distance, seriously committed Army girlfriend.

Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes... there have been days since he's been at this Super Secret Army School when I've almost wished he was deployed instead.

Of course, if I were given the choice on any given day, I would pick school over deployment 100% of the time. But I can't help, some days, really seeing the benefits of the consistency of a deployment. I don't expect him to be able to talk to me during a deployment. I don't expect him, my best friend, to be emotionally available to me during a deployment. I understand that is just not possible, and I understand that once he leaves, emotionally I am more or less on my own. And I'm okay with that. What's difficult now is the not knowing- some days, on a weekend if I'm having a bad night, I can call him in the middle of the night and we can talk. Or I can call him after school and we can talk. Other days, he's exhausted from work and talking on the phone is basically a no-go until the stress subsides. I just wish there was some sort of cheat sheet for me, saying when he was going to be available, or not- getting your hopes up sucks.

Don't get me wrong. I am very glad that he's non-deployable for the next month and a half. I am very glad that there are no one is shooting at him right now. Believe me, there is no way that I would willingly trade what we have right now for that option... there are just some days when I see the benefits of it, that's all... and then I am immediately reminded of the live-fire types of things that are associated with deployment and I tell myself to suck it up and that in eight months it's not going to matter because we won't have this awful phone relationship anymore anyways. Some days though...

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